


The Importance of Being Evil

by pupeez4eva



Series: Truth or Dare [2]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: Gen, Humor, Old fic that I probably won't be continuing :(
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 01:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14533881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: In which Minho tries to get a date with every female in the company, and Changmin and Kyuhyun torment their members with pranks - and all to fix their damaged reputations.





	1. They're Back For More!

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old fic (the sequel to "Truth or Dare") which I never ended up finishing. I have 12 chapters written up that I'll upload here, but I doubt I'll be continuing this. I did have a plan written up for this, so I might post my notes for this fic so you guys can see what I had planned.
> 
> Again, this is an old fic I wrote back in 2014, so a lot as probably changed in the kpop world since then.

“How long has it been?”

Changmin glanced up, raising one eyebrow. “Since when?”

“Since we were allowed in the same room as each other without everyone constantly - _dammit hyung, I can see you!”_ Kyuhyun’s head whipped towards the open doorway, just as a guilty Eunhyuk stepped into his line of vision.

“It’s not my fault!” the elder protested. “Leeteuk-hyung said - ”

Without waiting for him to finish, Kyuhyun slammed the door shut. He then yanked it open a moment later and slammed it again, a satisfied smirk spreading across his face at the sound of the door colliding with a very human object.

_“My nose!”_

“Suffer,” he hissed as he walked back to the bed. Oh yes - his reputation may have been tarnished thanks to that accursed game but he was still Cho Kyuhyun, the most evilest maknae in all of South Korea (although Changmin would argue - silently of course. Getting into a debate with Kyuhyun was just a headache).

“We _told_ them it was just a game,” the maknae scowled when he had retuned to his previous position. “Why won’t they just leave us alone?!”

“You’re forgetting who you’re talking about,” Changmin snorted. “Leeteuk-hyung and Jaejoong-hyung are awful on their own. Now that they’ve teamed up…” He shuddered lightly.

“Not to mention Yunho-hyung’s helping them.” Kyuhyun shot Changmin an accusing glare.

“What?!” Changmin demanded.

 _“Two_ of _your_ members are adding to this torment!” Kyuhyun announced harshly.

Changmin glared in response. “So?!” he snapped. “Do you _know_ how many members are in _your_ group?!”

“No.”

Changmin frowned. “No what?”

“No I don’t know how many members are in my group.” Kyuhyun shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “How the hell do I keep track of this stuff? Why do you think we have intra-fan wars about it?”

Changmin considered this, before shrugging his shoulders.

“They were always crazy…” Kyuhyun let out a loud sigh. “They’ve just gotten worse.”

Changmin nodded miserably.

There was a moment of silence.

_“…I CAN HEAR YOU!”_

There was a loud yelp and the sound of hurried footsteps. Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and scowled.

“You know what?” he growled. “Changmin, this has nothing to do with them not believing the truth about the game - they’re fine with that. The problem is that our amazing reputation is _gone_ \- and do you know what that means?!”

“What?”

_“They think we’re wimps!”_

“…Really?” Changmin sighed loudly. “You couldn’t think of a better word?”

“Well it’s true!” Kyuhyun retorted heatedly. “They think we’ve gone soft! That stupid game has caused them to forget our sheer evilness - they think we’re pathetic little flowers that they need to protect!” He scoffed. “That’s Sungmin’s role, not mine!”

“Yeah…Junsu-hyung’s meant to be that guy. I started working out for a reason.” Changmin flexed his arms lightly.

“Yeah, same,” Kyuhyun agreed.

Changmin stared at him.

“…What?”

“You - ” Debates with Kyuhyun=headache…yeah, Changmin was going to avoid that. “Never mind.”

There was a pensive silence. Kyuhyun cocked his head to the side, a thoughtful look in his eyes.

“You know what?” he said at last. “They think we’ve gone soft…they’re just underestimating us. We’re better than this. _Way_ better. We just need to remind them, that’s all.”

“Of how evil we are?” Changmin clarified, a small smile appearing on his lips.

“Of course!” Kyuhyun smirked. “We need to show them that they can back off -we’re better than they - especially me - are and we do _not_ need to be protected. It doesn’t matter if we’re having hot passionate love - which we aren’t, obviously.”

“…Obviously.” Changmin glanced away, looking slightly disturbed. His eyes flickered to the doorway as a shadow flittered under the door. He sighed loudly.

“There’s someone out there isn’t there?”

Kyuhyun didn’t even blink. “Yup.”

“…Okay, we need to destroy them.”

Kyuhyun smiled, a proud glimmer in his eyes. “Glad to be doing business with you my friend.” He paused. “By the way, where’s the loser?”

Changmin coughed. “Kyu, you have _got_ to stop calling Minho that.”

“Why should I? He lost didn’t he?” Kyuhyun smirked (if this was a movie, there would probably be lightening crackling in the background at this point). “Minho lost.”

“Kyuhyun!” Changmin reprimanded. “I thought we agreed that the game went too far and no one lost - ”

“Minho totally lost.”

Changmin opened his mouth to object but then reconsidered - after all, while he may have appeared more subdued than his friend, he could be just as terrifying as Kyuhyun as he wanted to be.

“Oh what the hell,” he sighed. “He did, didn’t he? To be honest, I just kind of took pity on him…but yes. He lost.”

Kyuhyun giggled (yes, giggled - although, to be fair, he was rejoicing in his best friend’s pain. He didn’t have time to control himself). “Say that again,” he ordered.

Changmin smirked. “Minho lost.”

“Again!”

“Minho - ”

There was a series of knocks on the door, and then Leeteuk’s frantic voice: _“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!”_

Kyuhyun and Changmin stared blankly at the doorway.

“…Okay,” Kyuhyun said, “the plan starts now.”

…

“So girls,” Minho said, attempting to smile placatingly at the crowd of girls in front of him. The SNSD members stared back, their faces blank (although their were glints in their eyes that told of other, murderous, emotions), “I really hope we can get this all cleared up. I mean, you guys are great - really, really great. Plus, our groups are pretty close, so I’d hate for us to, you know, not get along…you agree, right?”

Despite the last part of his practiced speech coming out in a jumbled mess, Minho thought he’d done pretty well. Of course, then he looked up into the eyes of the she-demons, and then he wasn’t nearly as confident.

“Uh…” he coughed as the room remained hauntingly silent. “Say something…?”

No one said anything, but Taeyeon pointed furiously at the door.

“Oh come on!” Minho moaned. “I’ve explained it to you! It was _just_ a game!”

There was no response.

“Uh - _hello!”_ Minho waved his hand desperately, frustrated at the lack of response (plus, this was starting to remind him of a scene from a horror movie - seriously, were they even blinking?). “It was a _game!”_

Nothing.

 _“Seriously!_ Am I talking or not?!”

“We’re not talking to you,” Sunny told him coldly (jesus - Minho hadn’t even thought the Aegyo Queen could act that way).

“We’re not saying a word to you Choi Min-whore,” Jessica added coldly.

“What?! Seriously?!” Minho spluttered. “Oh come on, you _cannot_ be serious - and ‘Choi Min-Whore’, really?”

No one said anything.

“You just spoke to me now!”

Nothing - just glares. Minho sighed loudly.

“Fine!” he ground out. “I’ll leave then - but this isn’t over! I’ll show you guys - I’m really not a man whore or whatever you think…”

More glares, and one twitching eye.

“Yeah, I’m going now…”

…

There was dead silence in the f(x) dorms, and Minho decided that the world seriously hated him.

“Really?” he groaned. “You guys are seriously not going to say anything to me? What, you’re not talking to me either?”

Krystal held up a piece of paper, with the words, _“yes, Jessica-unnie suggested it,”_ scrawled across.

Minho clenched his jaw. “Of course she did…”

…

“So this has honestly been the worst day ever. Everyone hates me - I’m not even kidding, not a single woman has said a word to me all day and I think I’m starting to feel the effects. You know - uh…” He coughed, staring at the stylist who was doing his hair. She stared blankly ahead, unresponsive to his rambles.

“…Really? The whole 'let's-not-speak-to-Minho' thing has spread this far huh?” Minho snorted. “Or maybe I’m just being paranoid…I’m being paranoid, right?”

No response.

 _“Oh for gods_ \- what?! Every woman literally hates me then? Fine - stay quiet! See what I care! _I don’t need this crap, alright? ALRIGHT?!”_

The stylist pulled out her headphones, her eyes wide with confusion.

“Oh…” Minho let out an awkward laugh, sinking back in his chair. “You…you had your headphones in. Funny story - uh - yeah…”

Yes - the world really did hate him. Minho decided he would go and rant about it to Changmin and Kyuhyun later. At least _they_ wouldn’t ignore him…

Oh, you _knew_ you were in some screwed up shit when _Kyuhyun and Changmin_ were your last option.

 

 


	2. The Unwanted (In Other Words "Minho")

“You guys are laughing hysterically,” Minho observed as he stepped into Kyuhyun’s room. “That is _never_ a good sign.”

“Don’t worry, you aren’t our target,” Kyuhyun told him. “Our aim is to destroy every member in our respective bands.”

Minho raised one eyebrow. “And…what exactly are you trying to do?” He’d be lying if he wasn’t filled with hope at those words. Perhaps he _wouldn’t_ be the most goddamn miserable person in this company after all.

“We’re trying to reinforce how amazingly evil we are,” Kyuhyun told him enthusiastically. “It seems people have been…forgetting just how awesome we are. We need to remind them.”

Changmin ardently nodded.

Minho sighed. “You cannot have it as bad as me,” he told them, preparing to let out his practiced “my-life-is-worse-than-yours” rant and garner some sympathy (oh who was he kidding - the day anyone got sympathy from Kyuhyun and Changmin was the day the world ceased to exist).

He didn’t even get a word out before the door opened and Ryeowook came striding in.

“Hey,” Minho greeted, smiling at his fellow SM member. Ryeowook didn’t smile back. Silently, Minho readied himself for more ‘let’s-all-torment-Minho’ fun.

“Teukie-hyung wants me to tell you that you’re not allowed in this room,” Ryeowook told him briskly.

Minho stared. “…Excuse me?”

“You’re allowed to have supervised visits in the living room,” Ryeowook continued, while Minho continued to gawk. “That’s all.”

Minho stared with wide eyes at the other male, before turning to Kyuhyun. Perhaps the evil maknae had cooked this up to add to his pain. Kyuhyun, however, looked just as bewildered - and more than a little bit pained (although Minho suspected this had nothing to do with his plight, and more to do with Kyuhyun’s rapidly diminishing reputation).

“You’re kidding, right?” Minho managed. “Right? _Right?”_

“I’ll escort you out.”

“Wha - _no!”_ Minho took a step backwards. “Come on! I’ve had a seriously crappy day and if I can’t even see my demonic best friends anymore…. _what do I have left?!”_

“Don’t worry,” Kyuhyun told him and, as if a sign of how _insane_ this really was, the other male actually sounded sympathetic. “This will be over soon. We just need to - ”

“No!” Minho cut him off. “This isn’t fair! Ryeowook, _get your hands off me!_ Kyuhyun, Changmin, _he can’t do this!”_

His so-called best friends simply shrugged.

“Come on guys!” Minho snapped when he was dragged to the living room by Ryeowook (who, for such a small guy, had a surprising amount of strength). “What happened to the whole ‘SM family’ deal?!”

The other Super Junior members stared at him blankly for a few moments before Leeteuk chose to speak up.

“Well Minho,” the leader coughed, “none of us really feel - ”

“Okay, do _not_ drag me into this,” Kangin snapped. “I feel nothing - _nothing.”_

“ - safe with you around the maknaes.”

 _“It was a game!”_ Minho stared at Leeteuk in wide-eyed disbelief. “I thought we’d established that!”

Leeteuk frowned. “Well…”

“Oh _come on!”_

Leeteuk sighed. “Look, we - ”

 _“You,”_ Kangin gritted out.

“ - just think that, perhaps, you shouldn’t come around so much, that’s all.”

“I’ve pretty much been banned from the SNSD and f(x) forms,” Minho told them slowly. “Now, what, I’m not allowed here either? What the hell do I have left?!”

“Um, DBSK don’t want you around either,” Donghae told him, slightly apologetic. “Jaejoong-hyung thinks you’re a bad influence.”

“Since when is Jaejoong even a member of DBSK?!” Minho demanded harshly. “He _left!”_

“The psychopath thinks his ‘baby’ is in danger or something,” Kangin replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“This is _insane!”_ Minho growled.

“It’s okay Minho,” Heechul told him, smiling slightly (of course, their was that glint in his eyes that told you that you were never really safe). “I understand you completely.”

Somehow, Minho found this more horrific than all the rest of it.

…

“You know,” Kyuhyun sighed as he heard the front door slamming, “I’m starting to feel really bad for Minho….I think that’s a hint at just how much his life sucks right now.”

“Yeah,” Changmin agreed. “Well, I’m sure once we fix this mess, things will be better for him too.”

“Exactly!” Kyuhyun agreed, nodding rapidly. “That’s why we should get a move on. Right, so, the plan is, we torment each of our members with the most mind-numbingly painful pranks we can come up with and only stop when they are all _trembling_ at our feet!”

“Yeah, something like that,” Changmin agreed, nodding in response. “Who are we going to start of with?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes sparked. “Leeteuk-hyung!” he announced eagerly. “He is driving me _crazy.”_

“No,” Changmin disagreed. “We have to start small - if we hit big straight away everything will just topple down.”

“…That doesn’t make any sense.”

Changmin shrugged. “Well it sounded right in my head, and I think it’s been established that I’m the rational one in this group. So, we’ll start with - ”

“ - Ryeowook!” Kyuhyun’s eyes lit up once more. “Can we _please_ start with Ryeowook?! I have the perfect plan for him!”

Changmin leant forward.

“It’s his mother’s birthday in two days,” Kyuhyun told him. “Each year, he bakes her a cake - and of course, since it’s Ryeowook, it’s _freaking amazing.”_ He let out a small, dreamy sigh. “Oh, that cake…I’m sorry it has to be collateral damage in our magnificent plan.”

“Kyuhyun…come on,” Changmin urged. “What’s the plan?”

“We’ll destroy the cake,” Kyuhyun told him. “Ryeowook will be _devastated_ when his lovely cake is destroyed. And, because he always makes it the day before - something about it being the best when fresh - it’ll be too late for him to start again.”

Changmin’s row furrowed slightly. “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “I feel kind of bad about ruining his gift to his mum.”

“Changmin…maybe you _have_ gone soft.” Kyuhyun’s eyebrows raised.

Changmin scowled. “Let’s destroy that pile of buttery goodness.”

“Chocolate.”

“What?”

“It’s always a chocolate cake,” Kyuhyun told his friend.

“…Geez, we _are_ evil.”

…

When Minho stormed into his dorm, Taemin was the first to glance up.

“Hyung?”

“What?!” Minho snapped. Usually he wouldn't dare use that tone with Taemin (one look into the younger’s doe-eyes would turn you into a whimpering mess, begging for forgiveness), but he was in a seriously bad mood. “Am I banned from here too?!”

All four of his bandmates stared at him.

“Never mind,” Minho sighed, his shoulders slumping.

“Are you alright?” Onew asked, frowning slightly.

“Yup, I’m fine,” Minho told him swiftly. “Absolutely fine. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go upstairs and cry myself to sleep.”

“Wait!” Jonghyun hurriedly yelled. “Before you go, Key has something to say to you!”

Key’s eye twitched slightly.

“Does he?” Minho questioned, closing his eyes in frustration. Oh sweet lord, why didn’t he just leave the country when he had the chance?

Key stood up and took a deep breath. “I…well, I just wanted to say that…” His expression faltered.

Minho took a step back. “Okay,” he said, “I’m just going to - ”

“I’m sorry!”

Minho stared.

“I’m… _very_ …sorry Minho,” Key told him slowly. “For…threatening you. On numerous occasions. And for hinting that you were a man whore - again, on numerous occasions.” Minho continued to stare. “And for almost agreeing to join SNSD’s silent protest against you - ”

Minho winced.

“And?” Onew pressed.

“…And I was wondering if we could spend some q-quality time together because…I feel like we’ve been growing apart - ”

“Key, I can see you reading off your palm,” Minho sighed.

Key quickly hid his hand behind his back.

“I’m going to bed,” Minho told them. He turn turned around and headed in the opposite direction, ignoring Jonghyun’s angry hisses as he reprimanded Key.

So now _Key_ was the only one who wanted to be alone with him? Forced or not, that had t be a sign that the end was near.

 


	3. Let Them Eat Cake (LOTS of Cake)

“It’s flawless!” Kyuhyun cried, his eyes shining with excitement. “Ryeowook will have absolutely _no_ idea! Now Changmin, make sure you distract him while I go and mess with the cake, alright?”

Changmin frowned. “Why do I have to distract him?” he asked. “He’s _your_ bandmate.”

“I can’t trust you with the finer details of the plan,” Kyuhyun sighed, as the two made their way to the kitchen. “Come on Changmin, it’s not _that_ hard!

Changmin gritted his teeth (this plan would save the both of them, he reminded himself, so no killing Kyuhyun). “Fine, whatever. What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun responded dismissively. “You’re supposedly as evil as I am - what a laugh - so you work it out.”

“Fine.” Changmin walked over to the kitchen and peered inside. “Ryeowook,” he called, “can I speak to you?”

Ryeowook turned. “Changmin?” He raised one eyebrow and headed outside. From his position in the doorway, Changmin could see the kitchen table, laden with cooking equipment and ingredients.

“I have a question for you,” Changmin said, angling himself so that Ryeowook was facing away from the kitchen doorway. Kyuhyun discreetly crept inside, a smirk plastered across his face.

“Can it wait?” Ryeowook questioned. “I’m baking a cake for my mum. I really need to head back…”

“It’ll be quick!” Changmin assured him.

“I really need to get this done…”

“This’ll just take a second!” Changmin quickly blocked his way. “I really need to ask you this, okay?”

“Can’t it wait?!” Ryeowook sounded slightly frustrated. Changmin almost felt guilty for what he and Kyuhyun were doing - almost.

“Not really, no,” he told the older male.

Ryeowook sighed. “Okay, what?”

And with that, Changmin’s mind went blank. He stared for a long moment and then managed, “uh…do you…still like me?”

Ryeowook blinked.

“I mean,” Changmin quickly amended, “I feel like you must hate me after everything that the game did to you.”

“Well, I did go a bit crazy thanks to you…” Ryeowook mused, thinking back to his numerous psychotic rants. He shook his head. “However, it _did_ give me a chance to finally speak my mind - being the nice one is really hard, you know.”

“Not really,” Changmin shrugged. “Junsu was always the ‘nice’ one.” Changmin, seeing Ryeowook shift towards the doorway, continued to talk. He needed to keep Ryeowook distracted. “But I’m sure it must be really hard! I mean, there are just times when you want to _punch_ someone, right?”

“Well, I suppose,” Ryeowook murmured, his eyes shifting slightly. “I love all my bandmates, don’t get me wrong! My life wouldn’t be the same without them…”

“Of course not,” Changmin agreed, his eyes flickering to the open doorway. Kyuhyun frantically waved his hand, a signal for Changmin to continue spewing nonsensical crap.

“All the same, it _must_ be hard,” he said, trying to sound sympathetic. Ryeowook slowly nodded his head.

“I guess there are times when I just - I just want to hack Yesung’s fingers off, you know?”

…Wow, okay, _what?!_ Changmin stared at the smaller male, wondering how the _hell_ the conversation had escalated so suddenly.

“He is _constantly_ fingering my philtrum,” Ryeowook seethed. “Does anyone _know_ where his hands have been?! And what about Heechul-hyung, huh?! Someone needs to tell him that life isn’t a living porno - but, off course, I can’t be the one to do that seeing as I have to be nicey-nice Ryeowook all the time!”

“Uh…” Changmin blinked. “That’s too bad hyung…”

“ - and everyone should just stop making me cook for them - I know I’m the best cook and all but _seriously._ Leeteuk-hyung is the ‘team umma’, he should cook!”

Kyuhyun stepped out of the kitchen and nodded for Changmin to end the conversation.

“Um, hyung,” Changmin said, taking a step backwards. “I have to go - ”

 _“ - pink!_ I hate that colour so much! Can’t Sungmin find a new favourite colour?”

Kyuhyun came to stand next to Changmin and leaned closer. “Er, what happened?” he whispered.

“I just asked him if he liked me!” Changmin hissed back.

“ - I mean, seriously guys, if I see _one_ more stuffed bunny, it is _down the toilet_ with them, understand?!”

Kyuhyun and Changmin stared.

Ryeowook shifted slightly. “What?” he muttered. “Changmin said he understood me.”

“…Yeah, I’m sure he did,” Kyuhyun coughed. He reached over and pat Ryeowook on the shoulder - Ryeowook, who was far too preoccupied with his frustrations, didn’t bother to ask where the maknae had come from.

“Well then,” Kyuhyun continued, “go back in there and finish off that…cake…of yours.” He fought back a smirk.

Ryeowook shot Kyuhyun and odd look (as if he hadn’t just been involved in his own crazy rant), before heading back into the kitchen.

“Your bandmates are weird,” Changmin informed Kyuhyun bluntly.

“Yeah, you really have no right to talk,” Kyuhyun shot back.

…

“My life fucking sucks,” Minho muttered, not for the first time that day.

“Is that the name of your next song?”

Minho glanced up at the sound of a familiar voice, fully prepared to destroy whoever dared to be cheerful around him. Unfortunately it was Heechul - no point in extracting revenge from him. The guy was indestructible. Minho decided to simply settle with shooting him his best glare.

“You know,” Heechul continued, “this is a practice studio. Shouldn’t you be moving around a bit more? Sitting still and glaring doesn’t really work…unless it’s a new concept for the music video?”

“What music video?” Minho gritted out.

“The one for “My Life Fucking Sucks”,” Heechul responded, nonchalantly. “This’ll be an interesting concept. Hmm…maybe you guys could change you name from SHINee to GLOOMee…”

“Heechul,” Minho gritted out, choosing to drop the ‘hyung’ (because he was _that_ frustrated).

Heechul blinked. “What?”

“Shut _up_ please - we are not making a new music video.”

Much to Minho’s frustration, Heechul plonked down next to him. “So then, why do you look like someone stole your favourite testicle?” he questioned.

Minho cringed. “Everyone hates me,” he muttered, choosing not to comment on Heechul’s unconventional comparison. “You were at your dorm, you saw how they treated me.”

“They don’t _hate_ you,” Heechul interjected. “They just…really dislike you. That’s all.”

Minho stared.

“I still like you,” the elder continued. “Anyone who can sleep with that many people is awesome in my books.”

“Oh for gods - ” Minho let out a small, frustrated cry. “I didn’t do _any_ of that stuff!”

“Yeah I know,” Heechul nodded. “I helped spread those rumours after all.”

“…You what?” Minho wondered if he was joking; he then remembered that this was Heechul.

“Anyway,” he sighed at last, “it doesn’t matter. I’m probably going to die a virgin - no woman is ever going to look at me again.”

“Only the ones in the company,” Heechul said offhandedly. “But maybe you should just try asking someone out. You never know.”

“Oh right,” Minho snorted, “because the girls who don’t even want to say a word to me are going to agree to date me.”

“You never know,” Heechul repeated. “And if worse comes to worse, Lady Hee-Hee is always available.”

 _“No_ \- uh, no thank you…”

Heechul scowled. “She would have said no anyway!”

…

“So Ryeowook, how’d the cake go?” Kyuhyun questioned, leaning forward eagerly. He readied himself for the upcoming waterworks. Beside him, Changmin readied himself for the sight of an axe.

Ryeowook smiled cheerily. “Oh, even better than usual!” he exclaimed, much to the disbelief of the maknaes. “I don’t know what happened, but there seems to be more mixture than usual - good thing I had a bigger cake tin. The cake is _super_ big - my mum is going to be thrilled!” With an excited laugh, he walked out of the room, leaving Kyuhyun and Changmin bewildered in his wake.

“…Uh…Kyu?” Changmin turned to him slowly.

“Maybe it’ll taste really bad?” Kyuhyun suggested. “It doesn’t necessarily have to look bad to taste bad, right?”

Changmin frowned. “What exactly did you do to it?”

“I added more ingredients,” Kyuhyun replied.

“Which ones?” Changmin prompted, dreading the answer.

“All of them - I doubled everything.” Kyuhyun’s lips curled into a smirk, while Changmin closed his eyes in disbelief. “Let Ryeowook give that to his mother and he’ll know the power of the evil maknaes!”

“…You doubled everything?”

“Yes.” Kyuhyun smiled proudly.

_“Everything?!”_

“Uh, yes…hello? Changmin? Some words of appreciation please?”

“You - _you just made a bigger cake!”_

“…What?”

Silently, Changmin wondered if they really had lost the evil power they’d once possessed.


	4. Curse of the Yunjae Fangirls

“So do you get what we’re trying to tell you?” Jonghyun demanded, staring desperately at Key.

Key swallowed. “Uh, yeah…”

Onew sighed, exasperated. “Key, seriously, you need to stop tormenting the poor guy before he goes insane. I think it’s a very real possibility right now.”

“No, I get it,” Key insisted.

“Key, seriously!” Jonghyun groaned. “Listen to us! Minho is one of us, and you’re _tormenting_ him!”

Key grit his teeth. “I _said - ”_

“ - and you’re tormenting us too with your constant shrieking, and Taemin, who can’t even hear the name “Taeminnie” without flinching - ”

_“I get it you idiots, shut up!”_

There was a moment of silence.

“I took it too far, I get that,” Key ground out. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to Minho. I shouldn’t have called him a whore, I shouldn’t have accused him of cheating on Taemin. And yes you guys - I _know_ they weren't in a relationship.”

“…You really understand.” Onew looked disbelieving.

“Everything,” Key said firmly.

“…Even the thing’s related to Taemin?” Jonghyun ventured hesitantly, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Especially those.”

A sceptical raise of the eyebrow. “Really?”

“Jonghyun,” Key spat, “if you don’t _shut_ the _fuck_ up, _you_ will be next on my hit list!”

Onew looked wary as he asked, “who’s first?”

Key shrugged. “Well, Minho _was_ first…but now that he’s not…” His eyes shifted slightly. “Well, we’ll see I guess.”

Jonghyun and Onew simultaneously gulped.

Key sighed loudly, his shoulders slumping. “Seriously, I’ll apologise to him and make it up to him - and this time I won’t write my speech on my palm. How does that sound?”

Onew, despite the slight apprehension in his eyes (who could blame him - this was _Key_ they were talking about), smiled and nodded.

“I’ll memorise it!” Key continued brightly, and Onew knew it had been too good to be true.

…

Minho decided that the first girl on his “girls-to-ask-out-until-one-of-them-says-yes” list was Victoria. After all, they were friends (or had been friends - he really didn’t know anymore), so maybe she’d go easy on him.

He knocked on the door of the f(x) dorms, wondering what he would do if one of the other members opened the door. He didn’t think he could handle anymore murderous glares from Krystal, or another one-finger salute from Amber.

Luckily it was Victoria who opened the door. Minho briefly wondered if maybe thinks wouldn’t go so badly after all - of course, the world decided he hadn’t suffered nearly enough (what had he ever done to it anyway? Surely even higher beings had laws to follow…).

Victoria slammed the door shut.

Minho quickly rammed his foot in the doorway, and barely managed to hold back a yelp of pain (he was _not_ giving Victoria that satisfaction).

“Wait!” he pleaded. “Victoria, seriously, I need to talk to you for a second. Don’t freak out, okay? Just listen to me.”

Victoria shot him a scowl.

“And _talk_ to me,” Minho added heatedly. “We’re _friends_ for godsake!

Or were friends, but Minho wasn't going to go into the technicalities.

Victoria hesitated before responding. “I don’t really want to talk right now,” she told him.

Minho could have argued with her, or attempted to clear his name. Instead he decided to get straight to the point.

“Go out with me.”

…Maybe that wasn’t the best method.

Victoria’s eyes widened. “What?!”

“Go out with me,” Minho repeated (yes he sounded desperate, but that was because he _was_ ). “I’ll probably end up a virgin for the rest of my life if you don't! No one wants to look at me!”

Silence.

Victoria’s scowl deepened a tenth-fold. “Minho,” she growled, “are you trying to ask me out…to have sex with me.”

“Wha - _NO!”_ Minho stared at her in horror. “That’s not - that’s not what I meant! Seriously!”

“Remove your foot,” his ex-friend (yup, he’d sorted out the technicalities) growled, “before I _crush_ it with this door.”

“I don’t want to have sex with you!” Minho insisted. “Not that there’s anything wrong with you - you’re _really_ hot, and that’s a given, but…we’re friends! Not that I wouldn’t like to date you, that’s why I’m asking you - ”

He toppled backwards as the door slammed in his face.

“Oh come on!” he moaned. “At least give me a reason!”

There was a pause, and then the door opened a crack.

“You want a reason?” Victoria questioned cooly.

_“Yes!”_

“Min-whore,” she said simply, and then the door shut with a loud _“bang!”_

“…What the hell does that even _mean?!”_

…

“This’ll be awesome,” Kyuhyun announced enthusiastically. “We put this stuff in the shampoo, Heechul-hyung puts it on and - _bam!_ Green hair!” He cackled loudly.

“How do you know Heechul-hyung will get it?” Changmin inquired.

Kyuhyun snorted. “He won’t let _anyone_ use this stuff but him. Apparently it’s too high quality for the rest of us. Trust me - he’ll use it.”

Changmin smiled as he poured the green food colouring into the bottle. “Mind if I borrow some of this stuff for Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung?”

“Why?” Kyuhyun questioned, as he observed his friends handiwork (Changmin had decided to take over the technical work after the last little failure). “Are they that bad?”

Changmin sighed softly. “I don’t want this to sound bad or anything,” he started, “because I really do love them. But… _christ_ , they are so annoying! I mean, Yunho-hyung was bad enough on his own but…with Jaejoong-hyung? _Sweet lord, they won’t shut up!”_ Changmin’s eyes had grown steadily wider throughout his rant, along with the sound of his voice, and the heaviness of his breathing. “I’m in my twenties and it’s like I’m living with my parents again - in the goddamn _nineteenth century!”_

“Uh - _what_ are you doing?”

Changmin paused, and Kyuhyun let out a small groan. From the doorway, Heechul continued to stare at them.

“Changmin,” Kyuhyun hissed, “can’t you keep your goddamn voice down?!”

“Shut up Kyu,” Changmin muttered sullenly. “You doubled the cake.”

“Fuck you,” his friend responded eloquently.

“I’ll fuck you _both_ if you don’t tell me what you’re doing with _my_ shampoo,” Heechul warned, striding into the room.

“Er, hyung,” Changmin coughed awkwardly, “that sounds a bit - ”

“ - sexual?” Heechul raised one eyebrow. “It was meant to.” He glanced down, taking in the sight of the green food die, and the open bottle of shampoo. “…Oh,” he said slowly. “You were trying to prank me.”

Kyuhyun and Changmin exchanged nervous glances.

“We’ve really lost our spark, haven’t we?” Changmin murmured, his tone dismal.

Heechul reached down and grabbed the bottle. He stared at it, a thoughtful look on his face. “Hmm…green hai. I’m so fabulous, I could probably pull it off.” He continued to look thoughtful. He then nodded his head decisively. “Right - leave it with me and get out.”

Kyuhyun blinked. “Huh?”

“I said - oh never mind. Just hide the bottle.”

“What?” Kyuhyun continued to look utterly bewildered.

“Oh for gods - ” Heechul reached down and grabbed the bottle out of Changmin’s hands. He hurled it at a spot behind the bathroom door; the dark liquid splashed against the walls.

“Those walls are white…” Changmin muttered.

Heechul snorted. “Knowing Ryeowook’s obsession with cleaning, he’ll probably thank me” Turning away from the green mess, Heechul yelled, _“HEY! EUNHYUK! GET YOUR BONY ARSE IN HERE!”_

As the maknaes continued to stare in confusion, Eunhyuk entered the room.

“What?” he questioned, oblivious to the prior events.

“You were going to have a shower, weren’t you?” Heechul inquired.

“Er - yes.” Eunhyuk’s eyes flickered to Changmin and Kyuhyun. “You, uh, said you wanted to go first though…”

“I changed my mind,” Heechul told him. “You can.” He smirked, and Eunhyuk stared. His eyes once again flittered to the maknaes.

“What are you guys doing here?” he questioned nervously. Being in the same room as three of the biggest menaces he knew (the “Evil Maknaes” and freaking _Heechul_ ) wasn’t the nicest feeling.

Heechul laughed loudly and slung an arm around Eunhyuk’s shoulders. “Nothing your virgin mind can handle,” he told him.

Eunhyuk immediately paled. _“Please_ don’t say that to Leeteuk-hyung,” he pleaded. “I can’t handle anymore of that…”

Heechul smiled and pet Eunhyuk on the shoulder. “Here, you can use my shampoo,” he told him cheerily.

Eunhyuk’s eyes brightened for a brief moment, before immediately turning suspicious. “You never let _anyone_ use this thing…”

“Truth? I’ve sort gotten over it.” Heechul shrugged. “Strawberries are so _boring_ , don’t you think? I’m going to stick with more of an apricot scent in the future.” With a smirk, he added, “since you’re boing, this’ll work perfectly for you!”

“…Oh.”

“Right then!” Heechul reached out and grabbed Changmin and Kyuhyun by their elbows. “I’ll just take the maknaes to my room and do unspeakable things to them.”

“Geez - keep your voice down!” Eunhyuk hissed. “If Leeteuk-hyung - ”

Heechul rolled his eyes. “I know, I know,” he said dismissively, “if Leeteuk finds out, no one will find my body. Now have fun in the shower.” He dragged the two supposedly-evil maknaes out of the room.

When they had distanced themselves from the bathroom, Heechul turned to face them. “Right - when his hair turns green, I’m taking the credit,” he smirked.

“Huh?!” Kyuhyun exclaimed incredulously. “You can’t do that! This is _my_ prank!” Hearing Changmin’s cough, he added, “and Changmin’s helping me a little bit.”

Changmin glared.

“Too bad,” Heechul told them, smirking slightly. “Don’t think I didn’t see you sneaking around in the kitchen with Ryeowook’s cake. You’re pranking people - and if you don’t do what I say, I’ll tell everyone about it.”

Kyuhyun’s expression darkened. “You - ”

Changmin grabbed his arm. “Leave it Kyu,” he muttered, despondent.

Heechul smiled and walked away. “Oh - by the way, dongsaengs,” he added over his shoulder, “you’re paying me for that shampoo.”

He walked away, leaving two miserable maknaes in his wake.

 _“MY HAIR!”_ Eunhyuk could be heard wailing.

“I can’t even bring myself to laugh at his misery…” Kyuhyun whispered sadly.

…

_“Jaejoong!”_

Jaejoong glanced up from where he had been slaving over the stove. Seriously, he’d missed this place - and this _kitchen._ God, had he missed his kitchen.

“Come on.” Grabbing his arm, Yunho dragged him out of the kitchen. “We’re going for a walk. Now.”

“Um, my food - ”

“Leave it,” Yunho snapped. “Just _get me out of here._ Yoochun and Junsu - dear lord, I’d forgotten how _annoying_ they were!”

“They aren’t annoying!” Jaejoong retorted in classic protective-parent style. Then: “…Okay, they’re annoying.”

“It’s like having a bunch of five-year-olds in the house,” Yunho moaned, stepping out the front door. “They keep arguing over their stupid game! Changmin was bad enough. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a full dorm.”

“Well, you know, it’ll have to end eventually, right?” Jaejoong let out a laugh, which was tinged with a hint of sadness. “We can’t exactly stay at your dorm forever.”

“Yeah, not happening,” Yunho shot back. “I can’t handle Changmin alone at this point.” He thought for a moment. “Don’t worry,” he said at last. “If the management catches on, we’ll hide you in the cellar.”

“You don’t have a cellar,” Jaejoong pointed out.

“Yeah…”

Jaejoong smiled as they walked. “I thought you couldn’t handle Junsu and Yoochun.”

“I can’t handle Changmin,” Yunho told him, shuddering slightly. “You’re way better at dealing with him. You’re so crazy that you scare him into submission.”

He laughed. Jaejoong didn’t.

 _“What_ did you call me?” the older male growled.

Yunho stopped laughing, and swallowed heavily.

Jaejoong looked ready to burst into a hysterical rant, and probably would have if something else hadn’t caught his eye.

“Uh, Yunho…” he said slowly. “There’s a lot of people staring at us…”

Yunho glanced up - yup, Jaejoong was right. A lot of people; a lot.

“…You know,” Yunho said, resuming his walk. It’s not like he hadn’t been stared at in the past, “I just realised…this is the first time we’re out alone together since…well, since the breakup.”

“Yeah…feels nice.” Jaejoong smiled contentedly. “I missed this…”

“Yeah,” Yunho agreed, grinning back.

And then the fangirls, in classic crazy-fan-girl style, decided to ruin the moment.

 _“OH MY FUCKING GOD!”_ one girl screamed, _“IT’S JAEJOONG AND YUNHO…TOGETHER!”_

 _“IT’S THEM!”_ another yelled.

_“OPPAS! OPPAS, OVER HERE!”_

_“YUNJAE!”_

_“YUNJAE! YUNJAE!”_

The crowd grew and - oh sweet lord, were they _moving?!_

“…Oh shit,” Yunho whispered.

…

Changmin slammed the door as he entered the dorm.

“I swear,” he growled, throwing his jacket on the arm of the sofa, “this is just - ” He paused as he caught sight of Junsu and Yoochun. “…You guys are still ere.”

Yoochun glanced up from where he had been playing _(Changmin’s!)_ game. “Oh, hey Changmin!” he said brightly.

“Seriously, are you guys _ever_ going back to your own dorm?” Changmin muttered. Okay, he didn’t _really_ have a problem with Yoochun or Junsu being here - they weren’t crazy like Jaejoong or Yunho. Maybe he could trade one of them for Yunho…it’d certainly get rid of the wary glances every time Kyuhyun entered the dorm.

Junsu pouted, his eyes growing wide. “Changmin, don’t you want us around?” he questioned, his voice wobbling slightly.

“That won’t work on me,” Changmin told him. “I’m too angry to be affected by how adorable you are.”

“Why, what happened?” Junsu questioned, concerned.

Changmin sighed. “Eunhyuk has green hair.”

Yoochun raised one eyebrow.

“…Don’t ask.” Changmin slouched back against the sofa.

The door opened and then slammed shut; Jaejoong and Yunho came barrelling through.

Changmin blinked. “Uh…”

Hearing the excited screams from outside, Yoochun nodded his head understandingly. “Fangirls, huh?”

Jaejoong cringed. “Worse - _Yunjae_ fangirls.”

 


	5. The Toy Massacre

“Kyu, I don’t feel right doing this,” Changmin muttered.

“Changmin, it’s fine,” Kyuhyun sighed. “I’m sure we did a lot worse in that stupid game.”

Changmin shook his head firmly. “No _really._ I feel a bit…well, I think if anyone saw this, they’d think we were mentally unstable.”

Kyuhyun shrugged, seemingly unbothered by this statement. “It’ll end up that way if we don’t get our reputations back soon.” He waved his hand. “Chop, chop!”

“Kyu - ”

Kyuhyun glared. “Rip that head off, or I’ll do it myself!”

Changmin sighed, and, for a brief moment, stared at the stuffed rabbit in his hands. It looked so…cheerful. Changmin shook his head, and then proceeded to hack of its head with a pair of scissors.

 _“Say_ something,” Kyuhyun ordered, nodding to the camera.

Changmin flushed, feeling incredibly self-conscious under the gaze of the camera. “What do you _want_ me to say?” he grumbled.

“I don’t know!” Kyuhyun sighed, exasperated. “Pretend to be the bunny! Beg for mercy!”

Changmin’s cheeks darkened further. “Seriously Kyuhyun, this is _really_ weird!”

“Oh god, fine,” Kyuhyun groaned. “You do the chopping, I’ll do the talking - how does that sound?”

Seeing as there was probably no other way out of it (Kyuhyun could be incredibly insistent), Changmin grit his teeth, and muttered out a soft, “fine.”

Kyuhyun nodded his head, smiling eagerly. “Okay then,” he said. “Go!”

Changmin took a deep breath, and resumed his (completely sane) task. “Er…” he coughed. “Kyu, I think the scissors are stuck.”

“Shut up, _I’m_ doing the talking!” his friend hissed in response. In a louder voice, Kyuhyun cried dramatically, _“oh my god, it’s stuck. The agony - the AGONY!”_

The head came off, falling silently onto the floor.

 _“I’M DEAD!”_ Kyuhyun nodded, looking pleased with their work. “Right, okay, next one,” he announced.

“Sungmin-hyung is _not_ going to be happy that we’re destroying all his stuffed toys,” Changmin muttered, feeling sorry for the older male. Then again, surely he was accustomed to Kyuhyun by now. Being the evil maknaes roommate for years, he must have been expecting something like this. It was his own fault for not hiding them in a locked safe (or, at least, that was what Changmin tried to tell himself).

“Yeah, that’s the point, dumbass,” Kyuhyun snorted. “Come on,” he urged, “grab the teddy-bear next.” He repositioned the camera.

Changmin groaned softly, and then proceeded to rip into the poor bear.

 _“Oh sweet lord all mighty, I see a bright light!”_ Kyuhyun reached over and grabbed a nearby flashlight. He shined it on the bear, which, at this point, was hardly more than a mound of stuffing.

 Changmin winced.

“Look menacing!” Kyuhyun hissed. Changmin felt his jaw clench.

Kyuhyun smiled, pleased with this. “That’s good,” he said, nodding enthusiastically. “Angle your face a bit to the side, it looks way more evil from that view. Come on Changmin, use your mis-matched eyes to their full potential!”

As he hacked off the bear’s ears, Changmin wondered why the hell he allowed himself to end up in these situations.

…

“Wait! Sooyoung, don’t - ”

The door slammed in his face.

“Dammit…” Minho muttered, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

Seriously though, _why_ was everyone destined to hate him? What the _hell_ had he done to deserve this. Kyuhyun had destroyed way more souls than he had - why wasn’t _he_ suffering?

There was the sound of a car door slamming, and Minho turned around in response. His eyes widened a fraction when he saw Yoona walking away from the vehicle. Well - it was worth a shot right? What exactly did have to lose? (Well, there was always what little dignity he had left, but what was a life without risks?).

Minho turned around, fully intending to stride up to Yoona - oozing confidence, with a humble smile on his face - and ask her out. Of course, the minute he took a step forward, the vine of a nearby tree coiled around his neck, lifted him off the ground with supernatural strength, and deposited him into a nearby bush (okay, so he tripped and _fell_ into the bush, but all the same, it was probably the actions of that _bitch_ Mother Nature).

Minho cursed softly and tried to get out. He would have continued these actions if it hadn’t been for the sound of a door opening, and then numerous footsteps passing his prone form.

Minho clamped his mouth shut and prayed that they wouldn’t find him. Yoona was nice enough, but the thought of facing Jessica again…god, he still had nightmares about it.

“Hey Yoona!” Well, speak of the devil. “Your hair looks _so_ good!”

“I know, it really does,” Minho muttered under his breath.

“Oh come on!” Yoona snorted. “It’s nowhere near as good as your hairstyle!”

In his hiding place, Minho rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but Jessica’s hairstyle is destroyed by the fact that she’s a crazed psychopath,” he grumbled.

“I wanted to dye it red,” Yoona could be heard saying. “The company said no though.” She sighed loudly. “Sometimes I really hate being part of an entertainment company.” Despite these words, she let out an amused laugh.

“Dammit, I know!” Minho agreed (a little too enthusiastically). “Yoona would look so great with red hair…”

“So, heard anything else from Min-whore?”

Minho froze, his eyes widening. He moved closer to the very edge of the bush, chewing his lip in apprehension.

“Ugh,” Taeyeon spat. “Don’t even mention him. What he did to Taemin was _appalling.”_

“I know right!” Yuri agreed (and which each female voice, Minho felt his heart constricting more and more). “I always thought Minho was so great!”

“I used to find him attractive,” Seohyun said, her voice wobbling.

Minho felt himself freeze with horror. “Shit,” he hissed. “Seohyun, don’t cry, they’ll just hate me even more…”

“I hate Minho even more right now!” Jessica announced cooly. Minho could imagine the look on her face - he’d seen it numerous times during his night terrors. “He’s making Seohyun cry!”

“Okay great!” Minho hissed. “Now the world can _hear_ me. Taking tips right out of my own mouth, huh? What’s next - they catch me hiding in this bush?”

“…Hey guys, I just saw something move in that bush!”

“…Fuck.”

Yes - he was cursed.

“Unnies!” Seohyun cried, her voice oozing with glee. “Maybe it’s that cat again! I told you that it would come back!”

Minho heard Seohyun’s hurried footsteps, and, for the first time since meeting her, cursed every fibre of her being.

“Seohyun, come back!” Sooyoung yelled. “Whatever’s in there might have rabies!”

Seohyun peered down, her eyes meeting Minho’s. Minho smiled awkwardly, trying to diffuse the situation.

Seohyun screamed.

“You’re wrong Sooyoung - it’s so, so much worse” Jessica said, glaring at Minho. Minho forced himself not to cry; seriously, why couldn’t he just catch a _break?!_

“It’s not what you think!” Minho said, and as he did, he wondered why the hell he was trying to explain himself. It wasn’t like they would believe him. “I’m not spying on you or anything! I just wanted to ask Yoona if she wanted to go out with me.” He nodded in her direction.

Sooyoung frowned at him. “You _just_ tried to ask _me_ out,” she said slowly.

There was an awkward pause.

“Uh…” Minho coughed. “Well…yes, that’s true. But - it’s not. I didn’t…that is to say…” He swallowed, his mind going blank. “Uh…I thought Sooyoung was Yoona?”

Well, it was better than nothing.

As soon as he saw the nine equally frightening expressions, Minho knew that he’d said the wrong thing.

…

Lee Soo Man was this close to having a panic attack. And what had caused this reaction? Well, it was none other than the sight of Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho standing _incredibly_ close together (he ignored the looks of fear plastered across their faces, and the crazed hoard of fangirls, and chose to focus on the fact that they were _there, together)._

He’d tried calling DBSK’s manager, but the man was on holiday, and had been far from thrilled at receiving the phone call.

“I _told_ you - I’m on break!” he’d snapped, as soon as he’d picked up the phone (yes, he was a brave man to speak to Lee Soo Man that way - Lee Soo Man made sure to tell him that every time he spoke to him).

“Yes, I know. It’s just…the situation is quite urgent.”

“But I’m on _break!”_ The manager had sounded close to desperate. “I need some time off with my wife - you _promised!”_

“But - it’s urgent!” Oh yes, he’d been this close to banging his fists on the nearest hard surface. “I’m your boss!”

_“I’M ON BREAK!”_

“Jaejoong is back on the scene!” Lee Soo Man had continued, ignoring the other male’s protests. “He and Yunho - ”

“I don’t _care_ if Yunho and Jaejoong are having passionate love! I am _much_ more focused on the steamy night that I will be having with my _wife.”_

He’d then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Despite trying numerous times to call him back, no one had picked up the phone. After filing away a memo, reminding himself to fire the man - enough was enough - Lee Soo Man had set out on the journey to the DBSK dorms.

Desperate times called for desperate measures after all. DBSK had caused him enough hardship, and he was not going to be dealing with anymore crap from Kim Jaejoong.

…

There was a knock on the door. Both Jaejoong and Yunho glanced up, and Jaejoong nodded for Yunho to open it.

Yunho complied with this silent request, expecting to see a member of Super Junior on the other side (after all, Leeteuk and been coming over a lot lately to vent).

The _last_ person he’d expected to see was Lee Soo Man.

Yunho froze in panic. Crap - what the hell was he supposed to do about Jaejoong? Silently he wondered if he could send a text message without being noticed, but then he realised that that was _way_ too conspicuous.

He settled on talking _extremely_ loud, for the sake of being subtle.

 _“Well if it isn’t Lee Soo Man!”_ he yelled. The man in question blinked in confusion.

 _“Lee Soo Man is at the door!”_ Yunho continued loudly. “Sir, what are you doing here?” He inwardly hoped that Jaejoong had gotten the message, and had found a hiding spot.

Evidently, he hadn’t.

“Hey Yunho,” Jaejoong said, strolling into his line of vision. “Who’s at the door?”

Yunho groaned loudly. “I _said_ Lee Soo Man - what the hell did you _think_ I was screaming about?!”

“…Oh.” Jaejoong blinked.

 _“Dammit_ Jaejoong!”

“…Yunho, why the _hell_ is Jaejoong here?” Lee Soo Man looked like he was minutes away from having an aneurism.

“Er…” Yunho coughed, his eyes shifting nervously. “Well, you see…”

Lee Soo Man pushed him out of the way and strolled into the dorm like he owned the place (…which he did). Jaejoong scowled and stuck his tongue as the man walked past.

“Right,” the elder said as he walked into the living room, “why is Jaejoong hanging around here?” His eyebrows raised as he caught sight of the clothes scattered across the floor - way too many for just two people.

“Er, well, the other day, something really crazy happened,” Yunho said, laughing nervously. “It - wait, what are you doing?” His eyes widened as Lee Soo Man headed in the direction of the kitchen.

Yunho and Jaejoong followed, both feeling apprehensive as the older man peered into the room. His eyes scanned the area, taking in the stacks and stacks of complex cooking equipment (there was no way that Changmin and Yunho knew what half of those were).

Lee Soo Man turned to face them, his eyes narrowed. “Jaejoong’s living here, isn’t he?”

Jaejoong bristled. “It’s not just me!” He retorted indignantly. “Yoochun and Junsu are too!”

“Yeah, that isn’t really helping the situation,” Yunho muttered.

Lee Soo Man glared at him. “Right,” he growled. “You - out. Now.”

“What?!” Jaejoong’s eyes widened (as if he’d expected a different result). “No!”

Yunho swallowed heavily. He could _not_ deal with Changmin on his own, and, now that he’d gotten Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu back, he didn’t want them to leave.

Plus… _Changmin._

“Jaejoong,” Lee Soo Man growled, “you can’t stay here. You aren’t a member of this band anymore.”

“Yeah, well, who’s fault is that?” Jaejoong shot back.

 _“Yours!_ You filed the lawsuit!”

Jaejoong glared. “Well, if you hadn’t been such a pain in the arse - ”

Yunho frantically shook his head.

“I don’t care what you call me!” Lee Soo Man snapped (his twitching eye said otherwise). “I just goes to show how immature you really are.”

“I’m not immature!” Jaejoong spat, scowling. _“You_ are, you pain in the arse!”

Yunho groaned, burying his head in his hands.

“You can’t even assess the gravity of the situation!” Jaejoong continued, heatedly. “I’m not leaving. I can’t! Not when my baby needs me.”

Lee Soo Man snorted. “What? So now Yunho is your ‘baby’. Jesus Christ - I knew I should have done something about the popularity of ‘Yunjae’…”

Yunho stared. “…He was talking about _Changmin!”_

“Look - I don’t like you,” Jaejoong told his former boss, “but I’m not just going to leave when Changmin needs me.”

“Just let him stay,” Yunho piped in. “I can’t raise a kid on my own!”

“Huh?!” Lee Soo Man’s eyes widened. He could feel that possible aneurism returning at full force. “Oh god, what did you _do?!”_

“Changmin! I can’t - ”

“Oh for gods - not this again!” Lee Soo Man closed his eyes, and wondered where the hell he had found all these psychopaths. It was bad enough that Leeteuk had recently stormed into his office, demanding that he issue a restraining order against Minho. Now this?

“Yunho,” he ground out, “I thought we were done with this when I had that chat with Jaejoong!”

His mind travelled back to the filming of Mirotic, and Jaejoong’s frantic cries of, _“my babies can’t flash their bare chests!”_

“Look - you can’t make me leave,” Jaejoong told him (Lee Soo Man was this close to telling him to say that to the cops…). “Seriously, I’ll…” His eyes lit up. “I’ll pay you rent!”

Yunho nodded his head enthusiastically

“No!” Lee Soo Man snapped. “Jaejoong, you are not paying rent! Go _home!”_

He then turned around and decided to leave before he really _did_ end up on a hospital bed.

 


	6. Hospital Blues...Again

Changmin was a sensible man (or “baby” as Jaejoong would call him), and therefore he knew that a prank that he had orchestrated and pulled should have given him immense pleasure.

Instead he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. That was enough to tell him that perhaps - just perhaps - he was completely and utterly fucked in the head for agreeing to this.

Surrounding him from all sides, the members of Super Junior stared at the television screen in disbelief.

“…Mother of God,” Kangin murmured, “everyone here is _literally_ insane.”

He cringed as the stuffed bunny’s head fell off and rolled to the floor.

 _“Oh lord!”_ came Kyuhyun’s voice from the television (Changmin had tried to stop him from voicing the bunnies but…well, when did Kyuhyun ever listen?). _“My little bunny dick just got chopped off - oh, what will I do now? Oh, there goes my head!”_

Ryeowook glanced away, his mouth hanging open.

“I thought we were watching the Titanic?” Donghae whispered to Eunhyuk.

“Quiet hyung,” Kyuhyun ordered. “You’re watching ‘The Bunny 2’ right now.”

“The Bunny 2?” Eunhyuk stared at him in disbelief. “There’s a _first_ part?”

“Yes.” Kyuhyun nodded. “The first one is the one we had to trash - Changmin kept groaning throughout the same thing.” He shot his best friend a brief, accusing glare, to which Changmin silently decided that, next time, _he_ would be planning the finer details.

_“I’m flying! I’m fly - oh no, I face planted and now I’m dead! HAHA!”_

Leeteuk swallowed. “Uh - is it almost over?” His voice was almost pleading.

“Nope - still about an hour to go.” Kyuhyun smirked, clearly enjoying the discomfort surrounding him. Changmin wouldn’t be surprised if he was feeding off it - all that evil had to be fuelled somehow, right?

“And then we have bloopers.”

Yes…yes, Kyuhyun definitely had to be -

“And then I thought that maybe I could show you the mangled, cotton-strewn bodies of the stuffed toys - Sungmin, what do you think about that?”

…Or maybe he was just screwed in the head, and Changmin was just as screwed for going along with this. After all, being complicit was just as bad, right?

Sungmin cringed, but he didn’t seem particularly angry at the moment - just disturbed. “Kyuhyun,” he said slowly, “I was going to get rid of those things anyway.”

Kyuhyun snorted. “Sure you were.”

“No, really,” Sungmin insisted. “I was going to give them to charity - but that’s not the point.” He shook his head, his eyes growing wide. “Are you crazy or something?”

Again - no anger. Changmin frowned.

“You don’t seem mad,” he observed. After everything they’d done, shouldn’t they at least get some anger?

“I’m not!” Sungmin replied, and then Changmin realised he could identify the emotion in the elder’s eyes - fucking _concern._ “I’m worried about you guys! I mean, this isn’t normal!”

Leeteuk nodded his head in agreement. “Maybe that game had some bad effects on you,” he said, sympathetically. “I think maybe you should go to therapy - ”

“We don’t need goddamn _therapy!”_ Kyuhyun spluttered; his previous good mood seemed to have dissipated.

Kangin snorted.

“Look,” Kyuhyun growled, “are any of you the _slightest_ bit angry about this? We destroyed Sungmin’s stuff - give me a reaction other than _concern!”_

Everyone stared at him with the same look of sympathy in their eyes (well, everyone except Kangin, who glared at him, and Heechul, who smirked, knowing exactly what was going on).

“What the _fuck_ guys?!” Kyuhyun snarled, leaping to his feet. “A normal person would be _angry!_ Sungmin - ” He turned to said male, “ - I _destroyed_ your stuffed animals. _Punch_ me - do anything, just stop looking at me like that!”

Sungmin paled.

“…You’re asking me to _hurt_ you?!”

There were a series of horrified cries that echoed throughout the room. Both Changmin and Kyuhyun swallowed heavily.

“Oh maknae!” Leeteuk leapt to his feet, and pulled Kyuhyun into a full-body hug.

 _“No!”_ Kyuhyun attempted to struggle out of his grip. “Leeteuk-hyung, _let go of me!_ I’m a grown man!”

“Maknae, we love you so much,” Leeteuk cooed, ignoring Kyuhyun’s desperate pleas. “Don’t you know that? You don’t need to hurt yourself - ”

_“I’m not!”_

“ - your hyungs will make sure everything gets better!”

Donghae and Ryeowook leapt forward, joining in the hug. Siwon moved to do so, but the look on Kyuhyun’s face (a look that belonged solely in a horror movie) stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Changmin!” Kyuhyun hissed, “do something - _please!”_

Changmin opened his mouth to respond, but closed it as Ryeowook turned to him.

“Changmin, do you need a hug too?” he questioned, smiling innocently. Changmin’s eyes widened in horror, and he rapidly shook his head.

…

Minho walked into the house, paused when he caught sight of Key, and then debated walking straight out.

“Um - Key?” he questioned, deciding against running away (after all, things were awkward enough between them at the moment). “Where is everyone?”

“Hmm?” Key glanced up from the television. “Oh - well, everyone’s gone out to see a movie.”

“Really? Which one? I’ll go and meet up with them!” Minho exclaimed, unable to hide his eagerness - anything that removed him from this situation was good in his books.

“No you won’t!” Key replied enthusiastically, shaking his head. “You’ll be spending some quality time with me!”

“…What?”

“Yes!” Key beamed and took a step forward. “I admit, I’ve been a bit of an asshole lately, and that really doesn’t fit with my loving-umma-image at _all!”_

Minho stared at him. “…Loving Umma - ?”

 _“So_ I decided I’m going to make it up to you by giving you the night of your life!” Key smiled, seeming wholly pleased with himself. Minho silently pondered why he hadn’t escaped while he had the chance - and then he realised that he really didn’t have anywhere to go (after all, he’d been banned from practically every dorm but his own).

“Uh…Key…” Minho started, choosing his words carefully. “Let’s just…let’s go and meet up with the others. How does that sound?”

At those words, Key’s smile vanished, replaced by a look that shot shivers up Minho’s spine. “Look,” he growled, shoving his palm forward. “I didn’t write a speech this time! This is all from the heart!” He strode forward, and latched onto Minho’s arm. “Now come on, I made you a delicious dinner, and it’s getting cold.”

After seeing the deadly glint in Key’s eyes, Minho decided to simply go along with it, and pray for it to end soon.

…

“Hello - ?”

“Jaejoong, for the last time, _get out!”_ Lee Soo Man bellowed from the other line; a second later a series of “beeps” met Jaejoong’s ears. Jaejoong signed and dropped the phone onto the table, a scowl on his face.

“Pain in the arse,” he grumbled.

“Who was it?” Yunho questioned.

“That dick Lee Soo Man!” Jaejoong spat, his eyes flashing. “What right does he have to evict us, huh?!”

Yunho coughed. “Well, he _does_ kind of own this place…”

Jaejoong glared. “You’re taking _his_ side.”

“…This sounds very familiar,” Yunho muttered, wincing slightly.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes, and threw himself onto the couch. “I need a plan. I can’t just let them send me away.” He sighed loudly. “Maybe if I negotiate with him using Yoochun and Junsu…”

 _“Hey!”_ Yoochun spluttered, shooting up. “What’s that supposed to mean?! You’re not allowed to play favourites!”

“…You’re right.” Jaejoong nodded his head after a brief moment of thought. “I can’t send Junsu out into the world by himself!” He shot Junsu an adoring smile, while Yoochun scowled in the background. “Yoochun, you don’t mind living alone, right?”

 _“Hyung!”_ Yoochun whirled to face Yunho. “He’s kidding, right?”

“Of course he is,” Yunho soothed. He turned to Jaejoong, who looked deep in thought - yeah, Jaejoong wasn’t kidding.

“Look,” Yoochun sighed, “why don’t we just…I know!” He sat up. “Why don’t we get him _completely_ trashed? Then Jaejoong-hyung can climb into bed with him and take some pictures, and then the next morning we’ll use them to blackmail him - ”

Jaejoong cut him off. “Are you forgetting that I have a public image to maintain?! And also - just _no!”_ He shook his head rapidly, trying to clear the images.

“Yeah, that’s just disturbing,” Yunho agreed.

Junsu frowned. “Why can’t we just stay here?” he questioned.

Yoochun raised one eyebrow. “Junsu, don’t you remember what Lee Soo Man was like?” he questioned.

“Yeah - horrible,” Junsu replied, nodding his head.

Yoochun’s brow raised higher. “You really want to go up again _that_ without a lawyer standing between us?”

Junsu let out a nervous laugh and averted his gaze.

“I’ve _got_ it!”

Everyone turned to stare at Jaejoong, who looked entirely pleased with himself.

“What?” Yunho asked, blinking in confusion.

“I know what will make him agree to letting us stay here!” Jaejoong replied, clapping his hands together in glee. “So, you know how Lee Soo Man is really old and boring, right? I doubt he has anyone to bring him nice, home-cooked meals.”

The other three stared, still confused as to what the oldest was trying to get across.

“Uh…your point?” Yoochun coughed.

Jaejoong beamed. _“I’ll_ be that person!”

There was a brief pause.

“…I said pretend to sleep with him, not _marry_ him!”

Jaejoong shot Yoochun a scowl. “I’m not going to marry Lee Soo Man!” he snapped. “I ended one soul-sucking contract, I’m not about to agree to another. No - this plan is so much better!”

…

Minho forced himself to ignore the terrible taste of the food, and focus on guzzling it down as fast as possible.

“Do you like it?” Key questioned, watching him with an eager look in his eyes. “I cooked it myself!”

Minho decided not to comment on how, if Key _really_ wanted to pass the food off as his own, he should've probably gotten rid of the take-out boxes. Instead, he simply smiled and nodded - anything to keep the psycho at bay.

“Really?” Key’s smile grew. “That’s great, have some more!”

He reached over to heap more food into Minho’s plate. The younger male yelped and shook his head.

“Uh - no! I’m actually really full so…” He pushed the plate away and stood up. “I’m really tired, so I think I’ll go to bed now - ”

“You can’t go to bed yet!” Key protested. “We’re going to have a movie night!” He leapt to his feet, and latched onto Minho’s arm. “I organised a bunch of really great ones - remember how you said you wanted to watch the Grudge?”

If Minho wasted being yanked forward by Key, he would have stopped dead in his tracks.

“Uh - _no,”_ he spluttered.

“…Oh yeah, that was Jonghyun…” Key shook his head. “Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is - horror movie marathon!”

Minho shook his head rapidly. “No! Key, I am _really_ not good with horror movies!”

Key glared at him; Minho was horrified to see that the strange, psychotic glint was back.

“Well, you should have told me that _before_ I wasted my time and money!” Key snapped.

Minho swallowed and took a step back, trying to hide his apprehension. Jesus, who knew Key could be so goddamn _intimidating?_ “Uh,” he coughed, “on the second thought, maybe The Grudge _would_ be a good movie to end the night with.”

Key snorted, his expression relaxing. “We aren’t ending the night with it,” he retorted. “We have about seven others after that.”

Minho swallowed.

…

When Minho shot up in bed, covered in sweat, he cursed Kim Kibum (his bandmate to be more specific - he had no issue with the many other Kim Kibum’s on this earth) to the depths of hell.

The nightmare he’d just had stayed vivid in his mind. The girl from The Grudge, crawling forward, and then - Key’s _fucking_ face. Oh god, why had he decided to become an idol? _Why?_

Climbing out of bed, he forced the vision out of his head. He’d get a drink of water, and then watch some light, fluffy kid’s film. Surely Key couldn’t ruin his sweet, childhood memories, right? (Oh who was he kidding - it was Key, of course he could).

Minho paused moments away from the kitchen, Key’s voice meeting his ears. He would have continued on his way, but the words Key was saying chilled him to the bone.

“ - so yeah…there’ll be a scream probably, and he’ll drop to the ground dead - ”

Surely Key wasn’t - he couldn’t -

“ - and then he’ll get buried in the garden behind the rose bush - because that’s the best hiding spot for a body.”

Minho paled, taking a step backwards. “No,” he muttered, “Key is _not…”_

“When the police come,” Key continued, “they’ll get told that he left the country to become - wait, what?”

Maybe he should leave and go back to his room - or leave the _house._ Maybe that would be a good plan…

“Jonghyun!” Key yelled, making Minho jump in alarm. “What do you mean, the rose bush is too obvious?!”

“Jonghyun’s in on it too?” Minho whimpered. And then, he decided, he didn’t want to be here anymore. As he sprinted to the front door (silently praising his long legs), he pondered whether Changmin would mind him staying over for the night…or the rest of his idol career.

…

“ - and then no one will no that she was the one who killed him!” Key beamed. “Well, was that close to the actual plot?”

He heard Jonghyun sigh from the other line. “Key, as lovely as that was - ” His tone was sarcastic, “ - the movie had a G rating.”

Key scowled. “Don’t insult my movie-predicting-skills.”

Jonghyun snorted. “Whatever - it was an awful movie anyway. I only want because Taemin wanted to see it, and because you kicked us out of the house. By the way, can I come home now? This motel stinks.”

“No,” Key replied. “You told me to make it up to Minho, and I did - and it went great.”

“Really?” Jonghyun questioned sceptically.

“Yes,” Key announced, oblivious to the sound of the front door slamming. “Aren’t I just amazing?”

…

Note to self: if you wanted to enter a place that you were banished from, converse with your allies first for easier entry. Minho had forgotten his phone, and, thus, could not beg Changmin to allow him entry. Instead he stared at the building in front of him, trying to remember where Changmin’s room was.

Sure, he could knock on the door - but would anyone actually let him in? He’d have better luck sneaking into his best friend’s room. Minho’s eyes landed on the first window, and he decided that that was _probably_ the right one (in his desperate mind, it was worth the risk. After all, he’d just been faced with death).

At least this window wasn’t two-goddamn-stories like the SNSD dorm, Minho thought, as he clambered for the window latch, and yanked it up. Minho paused before throwing his leg over the window sill, and lowering himself into the room.

When he was met with a piercing shriek (and the feeling of a body underneath him), Minho realised that he _might_ have entered the wrong room.

He didn’t have long to ponder this though, before he had been pushed out the window, his private regions on fire. He had a brief sense of deja vu, mingled with a scream - one that sounded suspiciously like Jaejoong - of, _“PERVERT!”_ , before he landed on the ground…on his newly-healed shoulder.

“Why?” he muttered. “Just…why?”

…

“Um…Kyu?” Changmin said, glancing at his best friend. The two were sprawled in Kyuhyun’s room, disheartened after their failed prank. “Why did I just get a really bad feeling?”

Kyuhyun glared at him. “Hug me and I’ll kill you.”

Changmin blinked, shrugged, and went back to staring at the wall.

…

Yunho and Jaejoong stood still, staring at the whimpering Minho.

“Mother of God Jaejoong,” Yunho uttered. “What did you _do?”_

Jaejoong flushed. “He climbed into my room!” he snapped. “What was I supposed to do?!”

“My shoulder!” Minho moaned, his eyes screwed shut. “Not again, dammit!”

Yunho frowned at Minho. “What were you trying to do?” he demanded, a dangerous sound in his voice.

“Nothing!” Minho snapped. “I thought he was Changmin!”

When both males paled, Minho realised that that was probably the wrong thing to say. He quickly back-peddled.

“Not like that!” he said hurriedly. “Look, Key is psychotic and wants to kill me and I thought my best option would be coming here - but since you guys don’t want me around, I tried to sneak into Changmin’s room instead, but I got the wrong one, and - _ow, dammit, MY ARM!”_

“Uh - okay, you know what, Yunho, get the car,” Jaejoong said, nodding to his former bandmate. “And Minho, don’t move too much, okay? Even though you kind of deserve it - ”

Minho glared at him, and Jaejoong quietened.

“I’ll go start the car,” Yunho sighed, looking exhausted. “Jaejoong - you bring him, alright?”

Jaejoong nodded. He paused briefly, and turned to Minho. “Uh,” he said, “don’t tell Lee Soo Man about this, alright?”

Minho blinked.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho snapped.

“Sorry,” Jaejoong grumbled, although his expression said otherwise.

…

“ - and then I hear Key talking about burying my body, and it’s on the _same day_ that Yoona rejected me!”

Jaejoong stared at him, clearly immersed in the tale. Their was a look of deep sympathy in his eyes, and his fingernails were digging into Yunho’s arm, much to the leader’s discomfort.

“And Sooyoung too,” Minho added. “Sooyoung rejected me as well!”

“You, uh, asked both of them out on the same day?” Yunho raised one eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s a bit - ”

“Shut up Yunho!” Jaejoong snapped.

Yunho clamped his mouth shut.

Jaejoong, a typical mother-bear, felt his heart swell at the tale of Minho’s plight (okay, a part of him still wanted to smash the younger in the balls, but that was beside the point).

“Don’t worry too much,” he told Minho comfortingly. “You don’t know _how_ hard it was for me to get a date when I was younger. I mean, there was this one time I can remember when…I got _rejected!”_ He paused, and awkwardly coughed. “I uh - well, a minute later it turned out that I’d actually misheard the response, but…hey, it was a moment of panic, right?”

Yunho groaned, rubbing his forehead, while Minho pondered why some people got all the luck.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Jaejoong moaned, unable to take Minho’s misery any longer (umma at heart; umma at heart). “Look…I’ll help you get a date! How does that sound?”

“…Wait what?” Yunho lowered his hands, and stared at Jaejoong in disbelief.

“What?” Minho echoed.

“I said, I’ll help you get a date!” Jaejoong responded, nodding his head.

“Jaejoong, you basically banished me from your dorm,” Minho said slowly.

“Yeah, well, that’s lifted,” Jaejoong told him, smiling. “It’s the least I can do after…well, you know.” He nodded towards Minho’s bruised shoulder. “As long as you don’t interact with, or look at Changmin, I think we can - ”

“He’s my best friend!” Minho snapped. “I’m going to have to look at him eventually! And hyung, seriously - let’s get this settled now. I am _not_ interested in guys! I don’t know why you think I have feelings for Changmin, but let me tell you, it’s making you seem slightly psychotic - ”

His voice cut off as he caught sight of the dangerous glint in Jaejoong’s eyes. Jesus, what was _with_ these self-proclaimed idol umma’s? Minho couldn’t be more relieved when the doctor came into sight. He stood up and sprinted over, ignoring Jaejoong’s calls.

“I’m Choi Minho,” he told her. “Let’s go!”

She stared. “Actually, I have to see - ”

“Too late,” he told her, walking into her office. “I’m not going back now.”

When he’d disappeared from sight, Yunho whirled around to face Jaejoong, a look of disbelief plastered onto his face. “What are you _doing?!”_ he demanded.

Jaejoong shrugged. “I feel bad,” he replied. “I mean, I did kick him in the balls, and throw him out a window.”

“Because he was being a creep.” Yunho didn’t sound too guilty.

“Yeah but…” Jaejoong sighed. “Hearing the whole story…well, I genuinely felt bad for the guy.”

“Rumour is he broke Taemin’s heart,” Yunho told Jaejoong, his eyebrows raising, as if to say, _‘you’re really going to argue with that?’_

“Yunho, I’m the loving team umma,” Jaejoong snapped. “I can’t go around _throwing people out of windows!_ Let me redeem myself by doing this!” He paused, taking a deep breath. “Anyway,” he continued, calmer, “if we find Minho someone to date, it’ll destroy any chance of him tainting Changmin.”

“But Minho’s a whore,” Yunho mumbled, his tone almost whiny.

Jaejoong glared at him. “Yunho!” he snapped. “Stop arguing, or you’ll be sleeping on the couch!”

“I _am_ sleeping on the couch!” Yunho retorted heatedly. “In case you forgot, there are only two beds in the dorm, since the three of you technically _aren’t in the band!”_

Jaejoong shrugged, seemingly unbothered.

 

 


	7. Seoul Baseball Bat Massacre

By now, Minho was fairly well accustomed to the sight of doors slamming in his face.

Didn’t make it sting any less.

He let out a loud sigh of frustration, and his foot lashed out, slamming against the wooden structure. He yelped a moment later, clutching his foot in agony.

_‘Note to self: kicking doors is FUCKING painful.’_

Minho decided to settle for glaring viciously at the offending object (something he quickly replaced with a pleasant expression when he realised that Hyoyeon - his latest conquest, and yes, he had targeted SNSD _way_ to much, and he should probably stop before they killed him - was staring at him from behind the curtains). He turned around and hurried down the path, cursing softly under his breath.

His mind travelled back to Jaejoong’s offer the previous night, and he hesitated for a brief moment. He then thought, _‘what the fuck - why not?’_ After all, either way, people despised him. Maybe having an ally in this wouldn’t be too bad (even if it was that psychopath Jaejoong).

He pulled out his phone, selected Jaejoong’s number (said psycho had given it to him after dropping him home at his dorm the previous night), and waited apprehensively for someone to respond.

“Hello?”

“Jaejoong-hyung? Yes.”

“…Uh…?”

Minho sighed loudly. “You said you’d help me,” he reminded the elder. “I need help - now. _Please.”_

“Oh sure!” Jaejoong, having seemingly remembered his promise, let out a cheery exclamation. “Just give me a moment, I’m kind of busy - I’m baking a pie, you know.”

“Okay great,” Minho nodded distractedly, “but you’ll help me? Now?”

“Yes, yes,” Jaejoong responded. “Just let me finish my pie first! It’s very important - _very_ important.”

“…Okay?” Well, Jaejoong _was_ strange, so maybe Minho shouldn’t think twice about this odd behaviour.

“You don’t need to worry about the pie - leave that to me.”

Minho wasn’t worrying about the pie, but he decided not to say this to the other male. After all, he needed him on his side.

“I’ll meet you at the f(x) dorms in about an hour,” Jaejoong continued, sounding wholly optimistic as he said these words (Minho, on the other had, cringed at the mention of ‘f(x)’). “I’ll talk to Krystal for you and see what I can do. You like Krystal, don’t you?”

“Jaejoong, at this point, I’d take your _grandmother.”_

There was a brief pause.

“…That was a joke,” Minho muttered, reminding himself not to insult his only hope for salvation (his only hope was Jaejoong - _Jesus,_ that was a scary thought).

“Yeah, yeah…” Jaejoong coughed. “Anyway, I’ll get back to this pie - ”

“Hold on!” Minho interrupted. “Are you sure Krystal won’t find it weird that you suddenly show up after years of…well, law-suit related absence?”

“Nah,” Jaejoong replied offhandedly. “She called me herself a few days ago, asking me to forbid you from entering our dorm.”

Minho swallowed.

“Goodbye!” Jaejoong said cheerily, and then hung up the phone.

…

Kyuhyun and Changmin, deciding that Super Junior were the source of all their pains, chose to target DBSK next. More specifically, they chose to target Junsu.

…Probably not the best idea all things considered, but they were pretty affected by all the failure, so you couldn’t blame the poor decision solely on them.

“So we’ll sprinkle this powder on Junsu’s face, and leave a bag of it by his feet,” Changmin eagerly exclaimed. “Jaejoong-hyung will see it and think that Junsu is doing drugs! It’ll be _hilarious!”_ He grinned widely. “Don’t you think it’ll be hilarious Kyu?!”

Kyuhyun blinked. “Sure,” he agreed, “hilarious. Unless, you know, someone finds out, in which case…Junsu’s career will be over.” He stared at Changmin, waiting for the smile to fade - it didn’t. “…This isn’t some sort of weird form of revenge against JYJ, is it?”

“No! Of course not!” Changmin said, looking momentarily affronted, before the grin reappeared on his face. “Although, maybe it’ll get Jaejoong-hyung off my back - oh _yes!_ He’ll be so worried about the coke addict that he’ll have no time to torment my life!”

He laughed loudly, and Kyuhyun decided that it didn’t matter how much Changmin protested - he was just as fucked as he was.

“You have no right to judge me,” Changmin told him, seeing the expression on his friend’s face. “Everyone in your band thinks we’re mentally unstable thanks to your plan!”

Kyuhyun snorted. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Let’s just do this.”

The two unlocked the door to the DBSK dorm and tiptoed inside, trying to be as quiet as possible. It wouldn’t be good to be seen this early, what with their reputations as evil-devil-incarnates, and Jaejoong’s remaining suspicions about Changmin and drugs (no matter how much the maknae had protested, Jaejoong still couldn’t get over his initial theory). Thus, if they wanted to pull this off, they had to be quiet.

They snuck past the kitchen. Kyuhyun froze when he saw Jaejoong inside, but Changmin simply rolled his eyes and pulled him forward by the arm.

“He won’t notice,” he told Kyuhyun. “He’s been working on that goddamn pie the whole day. I have no idea what the fuck is so important about it. He nearly took of Yoochun-hyung’s head - I mean literally, with a kitchen knife - when he tried to taste some of the filling.”

“Maybe we should throw it in the trash!” Kyuhyun exclaimed, as they reached Junsu’s bedroom door.

“…Kyuhyun, I’m desperate, but I’m not suicidal.”

The two walked inside, and Changmin nodded in satisfaction when he caught sight of Junsu, napping on the bed.

“As usual, hyung is having his afternoon nap,” he told Kyuhyun. “It’s the perfect time to destroy him, don’t you think? Trust me, I have experience with this.”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket. When he pulled away, a small bag of powder was grasped in his hand.

“Looks pretty legitimate,” he said, peering at it in satisfaction. “No one would have a clue that this was baby powder. Hey Changmin, reckon we should have a shot at being drug dealers?”

Changmin snorted. “Please, you’d wet your pants in fear.”

Kyuhyun gave Changmin the one-finger salute, before tossing the bag at him. “You do it,” he told the younger. “There’s no way in hell that I’m getting that close to Junsu-hyung’s face.”

Changmin walked over and paused in front of Junsu’s sleeping form. He frowned and peered at the bag. How the hell was he supposed to get the stuff on? Maybe he should have brought a funnel…

Sighing, he opened the bag, removed a small sample of the baby powder, and leaned in close. Changmin realised that if Jaejoong burst in at this moment, he’d probably think Junsu was being molested.

Then Junsu screamed, and, as Changmin stumbled back in shock, he couldn’t help but think - more than a little hysterically - that Junsu had read his mind.

Then he realised he was being an insane idiot, just as he crashed into Kyuhyun, and tumbled onto the ground.

 _“HYUNG!”_ Junsu wailed, his eyes screwed shut, _“SOMEONE’S IN MY ROOM!”_

“Motherfucking - open your eyes!” Kyuhyun cursed.

“Move, your knee is wedged up my arse!” Changmin groaned. Then the door burst open, and Changmin decided that maybe it was a good thing that Kyuhyun had his knee in that position. If not, he was sure he would have wet his pants at the sight of an enraged Kim Jaejoong, wielding a baseball bat, and screaming bloody murder.

 _“Junsu!”_ howled the band-umma, _“it’s okay, I’ll protect you!”_

Kyuhyun’s arms wrapped around Changmin, and Changmin repeated this action. The two squeezed their eyes shut, and let out simultaneous shrieks.

 _“MOTHER OF GOD CHANGMIN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”_ Kyuhyun wailed, as the baseball bat was lifted higher.

…

“…I really am sorry,” Jaejoong coughed, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “I thought someone had broken in! I mean, when Junsu screamed like that, what was I supposed to think?! And what were you even doing in here?!”

“Changmin had a nightmare,” Kyuhyun told Jaejoong, trying to look innocent, sweet and convincing (basically everything he was not). “He thought Junsu had gone away again, so he wanted to check.”

Changmin supposed Kyuhyun’s acting wasn’t too terrible considering the fact that they’d nearly been bludgeoned to death, but it was still fairly nauseating to watch.

 _“Oh my god!”_ Well…Jaejoong didn’t seem to think so, if is sparkling eyes, and tightly clasped hands were anything to go by. “That…that’s so sad! But, at the same time, so damn _adorable!”_

“Hyung, they're lying!” Junsu whimpered.

“Junsu!” Jaejoong reprimanded, “direct your adorable powers elsewhere - Changmin would never lie.”

“Delusional fool,” Kyuhyun hissed in Changmin’s ear. Changmin’s eye twitched.

Jaejoong frowned slightly, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. “You know,” he mused, “I feel like I’m forgetting something…”

…

Jaejoong had forgotten about him.

Somehow Minho couldn’t even bring himself to be surprised - and he was even less surprised when Krystal walked down the driveway (having seen him from outside her window), bluntly told him that she would never in a million years go out with him, and then walked back, and then slammed the door. Loudly.

“…I didn’t even get to ask,” he whispered.

Oh yeah, Jaejoong was going to get it. He hadn’t even _wanted_ to ask Krystal. Frankly, the girl terrified him. Why couldn’t he have asked someone nice like…like…

…Dammit, was it horrible that he couldn’t think of _anyone_ nice enough to go out with him? Yes, he was going to die a poor old virgin, and all because of that stupid game of truth or dare.

He punched Jaejoong’s name into his phone, and waited impatiently for the elder to pick up.

“Hyung, what the hell?!” he spat, before Jaejoong even had a chance to answer “You said you’d meet me here!”

“…Oh yeah.” Jaejoong let out an awkward laugh. “Sorry about that Minho…something came up.”

 _“What?!”_ Minho snapped. _“What_ came up?!”

“I thought my baby was being attacked!” Jaejoong replied heatedly.

At those words, Minho’s words widened in alarm. “Changmin was attacked?!” he asked, concerned. After all, as annoying as that guy was, he was still one of his best friends. Plus, he was one of the few people that knew he wasn’t a crazed man-whore - he needed as many of those as he could find.

“Wha - no!” Jaejoong sounded horrified. “How could you say something like that?!”

 _“I didn’t - YOU did!”_ Minho breathed heavily, wondering what the hell had possessed him to ask this psychopath for help.

“No, no, I meant Junsu!” Jaejoong replied, calmer now that he knew Minho wasn’t off plotting Changmin’s doom, or something similar (who knew how his mind worked). “He’s fine though - Changmin just had a nightmare. It’s so sad really - wait…” There was a heavy intake of breath. “Why the hell was Kyuhyun present while Changmin was sleeping?! …Oh dear _god!”_

“Wha - _Jaejoong!”_ Minho yelled.

“Minho, goodbye, I have a phone call to make,” Jaejoong said hurriedly, before hanging up the phone.

…

_“ - AND FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, I AM NOT DATING KYUHYUN! I WOULDN’T DATE THAT MAN IF HE WAS THE **LAST** LIVING PERSON ON THIS **PLANET.** THE ONLY PERSON I’D BE LESS LIKELY TO DATE IS **YOU!”**_

“…Oh. Alright then.”

The call ended.

Jaejoong frowned down at the device in his hand. He decided he’d speak to Yunho later - Changmin had gotten some serious anger management issues in the years he had been away. What had happened to the adorable little angel he’d known before the lawsuit (the answer - he’d never existed. Not that Jaejoong would ever realise that).

Jaejoong sighed and tucked it in his pocket, and then stared at the building in front of him. SM Entertainment’s main headquarters - the place where he would find Lee Soo Man’s personal office,

 _‘That’s right you pain in the arse,’_ Jaejoong said, as he smiled at the startled security guard. _‘You think you can kick me out when my baby needs me? I’ll show you - the power of Kim Jaejoong can NEVER be forgotten!’_

…

All those stares should have made him uncomfortable, but really, Jaejoong was basking in the attention (not that he’d ever admit to being an attention-whore).

“Uh - Jaejoong?” choked someone from behind him. He turned around - BoA. He shot her a smile, amused to see the shock in her eyes.

“Hey!” he greeted, waving enthusiastically (god, this was so much fun…). “Nice to see you again!”

“…What are you doing here?!”

“Hey what - oh Jesus, _JAEJOONG?!”_ Hmm - Kangta. Yes, it had been a while since he’d seen him too. Jaejoong gave him a small wave, and the elder blinked in shock.

“You guys look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he laughed.

“…Or, you know, a guy who filed a lawsuit against SM, and vowed - quite dramatically I might add - that you would never come back,” Kangta muttered.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Jaejoong responded, shrugging. “Now move, I need to see Lee Soo Man.”

 _“Why_ though?” BoA questioned, her tone nothing short of bewildered.

Jaejoong smiled broadly. “I baked him a pie.”

He then proceeded to walk past the gaping idols.

“…This is a sign of the end of the world, right?” Kangta whispered.

…

“Hello there, my former boss,” Jaejoong greeted, with almost disturbing cheer, as he burst through the doors of Lee Soo Man’s office.

“Mother of - _Jaejoong?!”_ Lee Soo Man gaped at him. “What the hell are you doing here?! You realise you can’t just waltz inside, right?”

Jaejoong shrugged, evidently unbothered. “No one tried to stop me,” he responded. “I don’t think anyone thought I was real.” He plonked himself down on the chair in front of his ex-box, and gave him the most pleasant smile he could muster (it seemed to spasm a lot but, oh well, he’d given it a shot).

Lee Soo Man glared at him. Clearly he wasn’t in any mood to make an effort.

“I’m not going to talk to you, Jaejoong,” he snapped. “Go home - to your _own_ home.”

“Fine, I will,” Jaejoong replied. “But first - ” He opened the container he’d been carrying, and pulled out a knife.

Lee Soo Man’s eyes widened in alarm, and he jumped to his feet. _“Mother of God!”_ he yelled hysterically. “What the _hell_ are you - there are security cameras - ”

Jaejoong cut Lee Soo Man a piece of the pie he’d brought with him, smiling all the while. He seemed unbothered by the outburst. “Have some pie,” he said pleasantly.

“…Huh?”

“Pie - have some.” Jaejoong nodded to the container. “I made it myself.”

He placed the slice on a small plate, and slid it in front of the elder. Lee Soo Man stared down at the slice, uncomprehending. “…Pie,” he muttered at last.

Jaejoong nodded. “Yes.”

“…You want me to eat _pie.”_

“Yes.” Jaejoong pushed the plate a little closer. “And then, who knows, you might change your mind.”

Lee Soo Man glared at him. His chest heaved; evidently, he was still affected by the knife scare. “Jaejoong, I am not letting you bribe me with goddamn _pie,”_ he growled.

“Eat,” Jaejoong replied. _“Then_ we will talk.”

“Oh for gods - how did I know you didn’t poison this?!” Lee Soo Man stared at the offending object, as if it would come to life and attack him.

Jaejoong sighed. “I won’t kill you when half of SM is gathered outside of this door.” He nodded towards it, and immediately, the sound of frantic whispers halted.

There was a brief pause.

“Fine,” Lee Soo Man sighed at last. “I’ll have a bite, alright? And then, you will _leave.”_ With a final glare in Jaejoong’s direction, he picked up his fork, scooped up some of the pie, and popped the piece into his mouth. His mouth opened, he bit into it…

…and then he was in heaven.

…

“ - so you’re saying that, if I allow you, Yoochun and Junsu to live with Yunho and Changmin, you’ll bake me pie once a week?”

Jaejoong nodded. “Yes.”

Lee Soo Man sighed (slightly more hesitantly than before). “Jaejoong, that’s not - ”

Jaejoong smiled innocently. “Another slice sir?”

Lee Soo Man scowled, glancing away. “…Yes.”

Jaejoong’s lips curved into a smirk.

“You make a damn good pie, I’ll admit that much,” Lee Soo Man told him grudgingly. “But that doesn’t mean anything. I won’t change my mind.”

Jaejoong shrugged. “I forgot sir - I brought some whipped cream. Would you like some?” Again, he smiled innocently.

Lee Soo Man swallowed, his gaze firmly on the table. “Yes - but Jaejoong, the answer is still - ”

“Cherries?”

He breathed heavily, his fists clenched. “No - I mean, yes to the cherries, but no to you staying with - ”

“Chocolate sauce?”

Oh sweet lord, why was this so hard? This _shouldn’t_ have been so hard! Lee Soo Man shook his head firmly. “Jaejoong, please leave,” he choked out.

“No really, I think you’d like some,” Jaejoong insisted, waving the pie tantalisingly in front of him.

Lee Soo Man refused to glance up, hoping to hide the fervent longing in his eyes. “Jaejoong - go. _Now.”_ His voice left no room for argument (…at least that’s what he liked to believe).

“Fine,” Jaejoong sighed, his shoulders slumping. “It was worth a shot I guess.” He picked up the plate of pie, and dumped it back into the container. Lee Soo Man’s eyes shot up, and he reached forward hurriedly.

“Wait!” he cried. “Leave the pie!”

Jaejoong shot him a glare, and then marched out, pie in hand. Lee Soo Man stared after it, a look of misery in his eyes.

 


	8. The Plan To Save Minho's Soul

Minho glared at Jaejoong. “I still haven’t forgiven you for leaving me,” he muttered bitterly.

“Oh get over it,” Jaejoong snorted. “I had some very important issues to deal with.” Mentally he smiled - oh, his plan may have seemingly failed, but he was Kim Jaejoong. He _always_ got his way (…okay so maybe Changmin and Yunho hadn’t joined the lawsuit all those years ago, but hey, he had his baby and his boo back in his life, so all was good).

Yunho glanced at him. “What - ?”

“You know - _those_ issues.” Jaejoong winked, and Yunho stared.

“Ugh…” Shaking his head, the leader decided it wasn’t worth pushing for information. “Sure, Jaejoong…”

“But anyway, let’s get on to Minho’s sorry story!” Jaejoong smiled in the younger’s direction.

Minho clenched his jaw. “Could you just - ”

“So, it’s clear that you need _a lot_ of help - a simple meeting with any of the girls in the company won’t do. They hate your guts.”

Minho winced. “Tell me something I don’t already know.”

“Okay then,” Jaejoong replied, missing the sarcasm in the rapper’s voice. “How about this? Without my help, you’re basically hopeless.”

“Um…”

“You see,” Jaejoong continued, “I’m not just the loving umma of DBSK.”

Minho snorted. “You’re technically not even part of DBSK anymore.”

“Fuck you.”

Minho stared.

“I am the loving band-umma of Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin,” Jaejoong gritted out. His eyes narrowed slightly at the mention of Changmin’s name; Minho let out a series of splutters.

“I’m not going after Changmin!” he snapped. “For God’s sake, I thought you believed me now!”

“…I’ll always have my doubts, Minho,” Jaejoong muttered. “You’ll understand someday when you have kids.”

Minho gaped at him, and, not for the first time, wondered how the hell someone like Jaejoong even existed. “Of for fuck’s sake, you aren’t Changmin’s - ” The sight of Yunho’s slow, solemn head-shake stopped him in his tracks. Oh, Minho understood; there was no point arguing with a lunatic. Especially since he needed help from said lunatic.

“Help me then,” he sighed. “What should I do to get people to like me?”

Jaejoong shrugged. “Well, it’s simple really.”

Minho doubted this.

“You see,” Jaejoong continued, “girls love me.”

…Exactly _how_ much time had passed? Minho risked a glance at the clock, and bit back a groan.

“Hyung, don’t you have any work?” he inquired.

Jaejoong narrowed his eyes. “Minho, we’re trying to help you here,” he bit out.

“Yes, but I have work to do!” Minho retorted. “I have a photoshoot to get to soon -”

“This won’t take long,” Jaejoong replied, cutting him off. “Back to the point - girls love me. Guys too. So why don’t we try to make you look like me?” Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at him, and then let out a wide beam, nodding his head decisively. “That’d work, right?”

“…Are you joking?” Oh sweet lord, what was Minho doing with his life? Maybe he should just give up, and crawl into a dark hole, and let all his sorrows loose. Maybe _this_ was why SM had such a sigh law-suit rate. Perhaps people were engulfed by madness, and then forced to leave when their minds simply couldn’t handle the growing insanity…

Jaejoong scowled. “No, why?”

“…You want to make me look like _you?”_

Jaejoong nodded firmly. “Yes.”

“Hey Jaejoong, why don’t we try something different?” Yunho suggested. “I think I might actually have a pretty good idea.”

Well, Minho thought, that had to be a good thing, right? Yunho wasn’t squeaky clean when it came to sanity, but he was better than Jaejoong by a long shot. Minho stared at the elder, hope rising in his chest. Was it possible that he could receive some _useful_ help?

“Well, Jaejoong offered to help you after he hospitalised you, right?”

…On second thought, Minho didn’t think he liked the glint in Yunho’s eyes, or the excited grin stretched across the leader’s face. And he definitely didn’t like the way Jaejoong was staring at the leader with adoring eyes; anything _Jaejoong_ approved of had to be bad.

“What if,” Yunho continued eagerly, “the girl of your choice just _happened_ to run you over with her car?”

No, no, _no,_ Yunho was _not_ the sane one! It was all a goddamn ploy, and he was just as bad as Jaejoong, and, oh god, Minho needed to leave the goddamn _country_ before they _all_ had him killed -

“You realise that, if anyone knows you’re helping him, you’ll all be screwed, right?”

Minho jumped at the sound of Changmin’s voice.

“Hey Changmin!” Jaejoong said, beaming widely. “Pull up a chair and help us brainstorm!”

“No thanks, I’d like to keep my manhood,” Changmin replied, before waving at Minho cheerily.

Minho glared at him. “You are the _worst_ best friend ever.”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Nah, Kyu’s worse.”

“…True, true.”

“By the way Minnie,” Jaejoong cut in, “you know I’m sorry about the baseball bat incident, right?”

Changmin’s eyes widened in alarm, and he took a step backwards. Minho heard a hurried cry of, “yeah I know!”, before the maknae disappeared around the corner in swift, hurried movements.

Minho stared at Jaejoong. “The baseball bat incident…?”

 _“Never mind!”_ Jaejoong let out a strained laugh. “What were you saying Yunho?”

Yunho nodded. “Yes - ”

“No.”

Yunho frowned at Minho. “What?”

“I’m not letting them run me over with their car,” the younger informed him, his tone firm. “Let me tell you, they’d feel no guilt.”

Jaejoong frowned. “I think it’s a pretty good idea.”

“No!” Minho snapped. “God, if it’s such a good idea, why don’t you do it?!”

“Because no one hates me!” Jaejoong shot back heatedly.

 _‘Oh fuck, why do you have to be right?’_ Minho thought, his shoulders slumping in misery.

…Still didn’t mean he was letting _anyone_ run him over with a car though. For all he knew, this was just Yunho’s subtle way of extracting him from his precious maknae’s life.

…

“Hey Kyu,” Sungmin said, as the van hit another speed bump. “You look kind of mad - are you feeling alright?”

Kyuhyun, deciding that the words, _‘Jaejoong tried to bludgeon me with a baseball bat yesterday’_ , wouldn’t be the best for his image (or for Leeteuk's blood pressure), shrugged his shoulders in response.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Besides, I’m not the only one who looks mad. Have you not seen Leeteuk-hyung and Kangin-hyung?”

The men in question were currently preoccupied, with Leeteuk glaring out the window, and Kangin glaring at Leeteuk.

Siwon let out a loud sigh, staring mournfully at the elders. “I don’t understand how things went so wrong,” he murmured softly.

“I understand,” Eunhyuk interjected. He shot Kyuhyun a reproachful glance. “All it takes is one bad apple…”

“Or one bad anchovy,” Kyuhyun shot back, his gaze equally as heated.

Donghae sniffed. “What happened to us?! We’re falling apart!” His eyes widened in an almost comical fashion. “We were once a loving family, and now -”

Heechul turned around from the passenger seat, a smirk plastered across his lips. “Now umma and appa might be divorcing and flying the coup, leaving the babies in the care of dear Uncle Heechul.”

Donghae gulped in terror, and Kyuhyun resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall.

“You aren’t getting divorced, are you?” Donghae demanded, his voice shaking.

Kangin’s jaw clenched. “You _do_ realise that Leeteuk and I aren’t married, right?”

Leeteuk nodded in response to Donghae’s question. “Yes.”

Kangin gaped at him. “Oh for gods - _fine_ then! _You can have ALL of them!”_

Heechul, all too eager to stir the pot, interjected, “or Uncle Heechul could - ”

“Um,” Shindong interrupted, “does anyone else find this conversation a bit…strange?”

Ryeowook blinked owlishly. “No?”

Kyuhyun sighed loudly, and then reached over, yanking Siwon’s earphones out of his ears. “Mine,” he growled.

“Hey!” Siwon protested.

“You can listen to them arguing,” the maknae snapped, fiddling with the earbuds. “Your’e the most religious out of all of us, so you can pray, and hope that gets you through it.” Kyuhyun’s face creased into a frown as he heard the music blaring through the small device. “You’re _still_ listening to YG artists?”

Glancing down, Kyuhyun’s eyebrows raised as he caught sight of the name of the playlist: “My Sanctuary of Sanity”  (which basically consisted of every YG artist in existence - yes, Choi Siwon had become a rebel).

“SM…everyone’s crazy around here,” Siwon murmured, shuddering lightly.

“Okay, Donghae, what the _fuck_ are you doing?!” Kangin’s enraged voice interrupted any ongoing discussion.

“Calling Jaejoong-hyung!” Donghae replied. “He and Yunho-hyung saved their relationship, even after all these years! You and Teukie-hyung - ”

“Okay, that’s _IT!”_ Kangin roared. _“STOP THE FUCKING CAR OR I AM **JUMPING** OUT!”_

 


	9. Changmin Gets a Conscience

When Kyuhyun arrived with an overly-eager grin stretched across his face, Changmin knew his friend had a prank in mind.

His suspicions were confirmed with Kyuhyun’s next words: “okay, since your plan screwed up, I’m coming up with the ideas from now on.”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Kyuhyun, pretty much all of your plans have been failures,” he pointed out.

“Shut up,” Kyuhyun shot back, although he appeared unbothered by the statement. “Where’s Yoochun? I’ve got an idea.”

“Upstairs,” Changmin replied, jerking his head in the general direction. “He’s sleeping.”

“Perfect,” Kyuhyun said, smirking. “Let’s go.”

“Wait, hold on,” Changmin interjected, as he hurried behind his best friend. “Tell me what the plan is.”

“Are the YunJae maniacs around?” Kyuhyun questioned. “I don’t want them to hear anything.”

“They’re in the lounge room with Minho,” Changmin responded. Kyuhyun quirked one eyebrow; Changmin shrugged. “I don’t even know — Minho’s just really desperate for a woman, and Jaejoong-hyung feels guilty or something. I think he hospitalised him — I’m not sure.”

“Damn,” Kyuhyun murmured, shaking his head in disbelief. “Minho sure is unlucky…I almost feel like we should help.”

“We can’t even help ourselves,” Changmin snorted. Kyuhyun shot him a glare, displeased at being reminded of his recent failures. Changmin shrugged, unbothered (after all, irritating Kyuhyun only ever brought forth joy…no one said their friendship was healthy), and pushed open the door to his room. Yes — not only did he have Junsu as a roommate once again, but Yoochun had decided that it would be a good idea to take up more of his precious bedroom space.

Honestly, one of the few good things that had come from the split was that Changmin had received his own bedroom…there went that little luxury.

“Okay,” Changmin said, looking up at Kyuhyun. The two had already entered the room, and had discretely shut the door behind them. “What’s the plan?”

When Kyuhyun smirked and pulled out a razor, Changmin silently wondered if his friend had always been this psychotic.

“What are you doing?” he spluttered, his eyes widening.

“We’re shaving his head!” Kyuhyun whispered, his eyes glinting. He was mindful to keep his voice low, not wanting to wake up the slumbering (and completely oblivious) Yoochun. “It’s the ultimate evil deed! We’ll damage his self-esteem, and unleash Yoochun’s forehead onto the world! It’s a double whammy!”

“Kyuhyun!” Changmin spat. “Put the razor down _now!”_

Kyuhyun blinked at the volume of Changmin’s voice, and then shot his friend a glare. “Changmin, shut the hell up!” he hissed. “He’ll wake up!”

“You’re not shaving Yoochun-hyung’s head!” Changmin snapped. “He’s an idol — his image is important you know!”

“And you consider yourself to be as evil as me?” Kyuhyun snorted. He glanced away and focused on the offending object in his hands. He seemed unbothered by Changmin’s anger.

“Kyuhyun!” Changmin yelled. “Put the razor down _now,_ or I will _fuck you up!”_

Well, _that_ caught Kyuhyun’s attention.

“Dude,” Kyuhyun spluttered, “what the hell is _wrong_ with you?”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong!” Changmin snarled, his eyes flashing. “You’re going too far! How would you like it if I shaved one of _your_ hyung’s heads, huh?”

“I’d kiss you!” Kyuhyun shot back.

“I’d rather kiss Minho than you!”

“That’s not what the fans think!” Kyuhyun retorted heatedly. “After all, there are more ChangKyu fans than — than whatever the hell you and Minho are!”

“KYUHYUN!”

_“What?!”_

“The razor! Be careful with that thing!”

“Why do you _care_ so much?!”

“He’s my hyung you dick!” Changmin yelled. And, well, that was true - sure, Yoochun had taken up precious space in his room, and sure Junsu’s dolphin-laugh hurt his ears, and sure Yunho and Jaejoong were overprotective nut cases who needed adopt twenty babies so that their unnaturally inflated parental instincts could be put to good use — they were all still his hyungs. His goddamn, fucking hyungs.

“This’ll take months to fix!” Changmin continued heatedly. “We’re going too far! This is a lot different from messing up Ryeowook’s cake, or temporarily dying Eunhyuk’s hair!”

Okay, so maybe he’d left out the ‘let’s-make-people-think-Junsu-is-a-druggie’ part, but, eh, whatever helped his argument.

“That cake was for Ryeowook’s mother!” Kyuhyun snapped. “He cooks one for her _every year!_ If we had screwed that up, it would have been tears for the next twelve months! Did I get mad at _you_ for messing with _my_ hyung?! No!”

“…It was _YOUR_ idea!”

“So what?” Kyuhyun snorted. “I’m crazy, everyone knows that! You Changmin - _you_ let me do it!”

“No — no!” Changmin shook his head rapidly. “You are _not_ blaming that on me!”

Kyuhyun smirked. “What are you going to do, huh, if I _accidentally_ shaved some of this hair off?”

“Kyuhyun!” Changmin snarled, a clear warning in his tone. “You put that down _now — ”_

“What are you going to do about it you _second-rate evil maknae!”_

Changmin took a threatening step forward. “You take that back!”

“Nuh-huh!”

“YEAH-HUH!”

Kyuhyun clenched his fists. “The razor is getting pretty damn close Changmin!

_“KYUHYUN, YOU SHAVE THAT HEAD AND I’LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I’LL REPLACE YOU WITH - WITH **HEECHUL!”**_

_“YOU COULDN’T LAST A DAY WITH HEECHUL!”_

_“COULD SO!”_

_“NUH-UH!”_

_“YEAH-FUCKING-HUH!”_

_“NUH_ \- oh fuck…”

It seemed that, immersed in his screaming match with Changmin, Kyuhyun had forgotten about the razor in his hand. And, well…that, paired with his erratic arm flailing…

…Yoochun now had a very nice bald streak running across his head.

 _“Kyuhyun!”_  
   
Kyuhyun had the decency to look horrified. “Shit!” he cursed. “I didn’t mean to — uh — I mean, it doesn’t look _too_ bad, right? I’m sure we can — ” He paused his brow furrowing. “…Oh god, what the _hell_ is wrong with his head?!”

“What do you _mean_ what is wrong with it?!” Changmin shrieked, a hint of hysteria in his voice. _“You **shaved** it!”_

“No, I mean his scalp! It’s _peeling_ or something…I don’t know, just come and take a look!”

Changmin ran over, his eyes wide. Oh god, Yoochun was going to cry, wasn’t he? And if he didn’t, Junsu sure would. And Jaejoong and Yunho would probably try to put him in the ‘naughty corner’ like they had all those years ago when he’d ‘accidentally’ kicked that MC in the balls (the man had insinuated that Kyuhyun was more evil than him! Besides, Changmin had waited until they had a bit more privacy before his foot had…slipped).

“Oh Jesus,” he exclaimed, when he realised exactly what Kyuhyun was talking about. “What…the _hell_ happened to his head?”

The texture of Yoochun's scalp was...interesting, that was for sure. And more than a little disconcerting. Changmin felt the urge to touch it, but really didn’t like to think of what he would feel when he did.

“Shave some more,” he ordered.

Kyuhyun gaped at him. “ _You_ were the one who — ”

Changmin cut him off. “Kyu, we don’t have time for this,” he growled. “Shave away!”

Kyuhyun shook his head, muttering something under his breath. His hand moved clumsily, and a clump of hair fell to the floor.

“What the hell is this?” Kyuhyun muttered, his fingers brushing against the strange texture. “It’s…rough.”

“That’s because it’s a wig.”

The two maknaes jumped in alarm. Kyuhyun let out a (manly!) shriek.

“H-hyung,” Changmin stuttered, avoiding Yoochun’s dry gaze.

“You’re both fucked, you know that,” the elder of the three muttered, shaking his head at their shocked expressions. “What, you thought I was asleep? How could _anyone_ sleep through that? Trust me though, I would have shut you up long before if my hair was _really_ in danger.”

“But — why are you wearing a wig?” Kyuhyun spluttered.

Yoochun rolled his eyes, and pulled the offending object off his head. Beneath it, his hair remained safe and untouched. “I have to wear one for one of my dramas,” he told them. “I’m trying to get used to the feel of it.”

He stood up, and shook his head again. “You’re both messed up in the head,” he told them. “I’d be concerned, except everyone seems to be in a similar state lately.”

He walked out of the room.

“…So,” Kyuhyun managed after a moment had passed.

“Uh…” Changmin blinked.

“We’re good, right?”

Changmin turned his head slightly. “Kyuhyun?”

“Yes?”

“…I don’t even know who I am anymore…”

…

Jaejoong, Yunho and Minho had been brainstorming when a knock on the front door had interrupted them. Minho had offered to answer the door, deciding that he was in desperate need of a break from the YunJae insanity.

When he saw who was on the other side, however, he almost wished he stayed where he was.

“Sunbaenim!” he exclaimed, his eyes widening at the sight of Lee Soo Man. “You — ”

“Out of my way, Min-Whore,” Lee Soo Man snapped, pushing past the younger male, and storming into the house.

 _“…What_ did he just call me?!”

Lee Soo Man struggled to slow his pace. If he went racing into the room, he was sure to look overly eager. He needed to preserve as much of his dignity as possible.

“Jaejoong!” he yelled. “I — fine.”

Jaejoong blinked. Strangely, he didn’t seem too surprised to Lee Soo Man in his dorm (Yunho, on the other hand, was gaping). “What?” he questioned.

“You can stay here,” Lee Soo Man growled. The very words seemed to pain him. “All of you can.”

 _“What?”_ Yunho exclaimed, disbelief oozing from his voice.

“But,” Lee Soo Man continued, “you have to make that pie for me twice a week.”

Jaejoong raised one eyebrow. “You _do_ realise that I have a career, right?”

Lee Soo Man scowled at the reminder. “I know,” he grumbled. “I know, and I wish you didn’t.”

Jaejoong stared.

“…But that’s the deal. That — lovely — pie, twice a week, or nothing at all. Understand?”

Jaejoong sighed. “An umma has to do what’s best for his babies.”

“Jaejoong, you are amazing,” Yunho whispered, his eyes wide in awe.

…

“Oh…it’s you,” Kyuhyun said, when Minho stormed unceremoniously into the room.

“I’m thinking of moving to Japan,” the rapper growled, throwing himself onto the bed. “J-Rock’s pretty big, right?”

Changmin and Kyuhyun stared.

Minho shifted, his eyes narrowing defensively. “What?” he retorted. “You don’t think I’m J-Rock material?”

“Okay,” Changmin sighed, “what is going on?”

“I’ll tell you what’s going on!” Minho snapped. “Because of you, I can’t get a date! Everyone thinks I cheated on Taemin and they hate me!”

“Well, who have you asked so far?” Changmin inquired.

“Everyone!” Minho cried. “Victoria, Sooyoung, Yoona - ”

“All way above you league,” Kyuhyun muttered.

“ - Krystal, Taeyeon, Hyoyeon, Yuri - ”

“Why don’t you try asking Seohyun?” Kyuhyun suggested. “She’s pretty easy.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Wait, that didn’t come out right…”

“And I’m the one they hate?” Minho moaned.

…

Minho arrived home late that day. He’d spent most of his time locked in Changmin’s room, moaning about the depressing outlook of his future, before Jaejoong had dragged him off for more torturous planning. In the end they’d come up with nothing, other than some crazy plan involving skywriting and bejewelled pants (…yes, Minho _really_ didn’t know).

He opened the door to his dorm, feeling a slight jolt of apprehension. He’d felt that way ever since the little 'Key-possibly-planning-his-murder' scenario, but no one had ever brought up the incident, so Minho hadn’t felt like rehashing old issues. Although, if Key really _had_ been planning his death, then maybe ignoring the problem wasn’t the best idea…

…Then again, who _wasn’t_ trying to kill Minho lately?

When he stepped into the dorm, he was greeted by Taemin’s blinding smile. Minho felt himself relax; he still had Taemin on his side. Sweet, innocent, adorable Taemin, who would never try to devour his soul.

“Hyung!” Taemin chirped. “We’re about to play a game, do you want to join in!”

If it was anyone but Taemin, Minho would have told them to shut the fuck up. You just didn’t say something like that to Taemin though — you didn’t even _glare_ at Taemin. It was _Taemin_ , and he had the power of Junsu multiplied by a thousand.

Minho sighed and nodded his head. “What are we playing?”

Taemin beamed. “Well, I was thinking maybe charades, or maybe hide and seek, or maybe truth or dare — ”

Minho froze.

“ — or celebrity heads, or — hyung? Hyung?”

“I see right through you Lee Taemin!” Minho yelled, backing away, his eyes wide. “You act all innocent and sweet but — you’re conspiring against me, aren’t you?! You’re _ALL_ conspiring against me!”

He hurried off, leaving a stunned Taemin in his wake.

“…But I just wanted to play a game…”  
  



	10. Aaaaaaaand Some More Misery

As he sat, staring aimlessly forward (you’d think, as an idol, he’d be a bit more preoccupied…), Minho wondered exactly when everything had gone to utter shit.

Kyuhyun wouldn’t speak to him anymore. A little while ago (exactly two weeks ago to be exact) Minho wouldn’t have thought this would bother him. Surprisingly enough, a lack of Cho Kyuhyun actually seemed to be a _bad_ thing. Perhaps this was a sign that he was truly beyond hope…

To add to the mess his life had descended to, Leeteuk seemed more determined than ever to — and it couldn’t be said any less bluntly — end Minho’s life. Minho was almost certain that the daily anonymous calls he received were from the elder male — or at least he _thought_ they were. It’s not like he could tell that the heavy breathing was distinctively Leeteuk’s, but if he had multiple people after his life…well, on second thought, maybe the latter was a possibility.

But why, pray tell, did Kyuhyun hate his guts? Why did Leeteuk want to kill him (more so than he previously had).

Well, it was all due to a little incident two weeks ago (for which Minho blamed his lovely little helper, Kim Jaejoong).

**_(Two Weeks Ago…)_ **

Somehow — Minho didn’t know _how,_ but _somehow_ that crazy idiot had managed it — Jaejoong had managed to get Sulli to go out with him. Minho could barely hold back his glee as he stared at his fellow idol, because seriously, he didn’t think he’d ever be _this_ close to a potential date again.

The words, “do you want to go out with me?” seemed so sweet as they left his mouth. A little too sweet, but Minho amounted this to serious sex deprivation. After all, the past few weeks hadn’t been easy.

When Sulli answered with a blunt “no”, Minho realised that maybe that feeling was due to a part of him acknowledging the cold, hard truth — who the _fuck_ in their right minds would want to go out with him?

Still though, he couldn’t help but stare at her in helpless disbelief. “Huh…?”

“Is that all?” Sulli questioned, sounding more than a little impatient. “Can I go now? I was kind of in the middle of something.”

“But — huh?” Minho let out another choked sound of disbelief. “Jaejoong…Jaejoong said you’d agreed!”

Sulli shot him an odd look. “He asked me if I would speak to you. He didn’t say anything about this.”

Minho gaped.

Sulli sighed. “Look, I’m sorry alright?” she said, sounding slightly sympathetic. “But with your reputation — ”

 _“No!”_ Minho shook his head rapidly, his eyes wild. “No, hold on a second — that reputation is bogus! It’s not the real me, okay?! I am _nothing_ like that!”

Sulli chewed on her lip, considering her words. “Look,” she said at last, “I’m sure you’re a nice guy — ”

“What do you _mean_ you’re ‘sure I’m a nice guy’ — we were quite good friends up until a few weeks ago!”

Sulli narrowed her eyes. “Minho, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“What the _fuck?!”_ Sulli’s eyes flew open in shock, but Minho decided that he could care less. He needed to vent. Desperately. _Now._ “Key’s trying to kill me,” he growled. “Yeah, that’s right, take a good look at me — you might never see my face ever again. Oh, and Jaejoong and Yunho too — they’re probably out to get me too! And Leeteuk hates me — he won’t let me see Kyuhyun anymore. Why do I even want to see Kyuhyun?! He’s a dick. My best friend is a dick. He got me into this mess. No wait, who the hell even suggested that stupid game…oh shit, it was me. I did this to myself. I’m self-destructive.”

“…Minho, would you like me to call someone?” Sulli asked, slowly.

“No.”

“Well, okay then — ”

“I mean, no, it was Changmin. Changmin came up with the damn game. Changmin did this. And I supported it. Fuck, why did I support it? _Why?”_

He then proceeded to burst into laughter.

“Goodbye Sulli!” he said, standing up, and walking away. “Maybe I’ll die. Or maybe I’ll run away to Japan and become a J-Rocker. Or maybe I’ll hide in my parent’s house and pretend my time at SM has all been a figment of my imagination.”

Sulli stared.

“…Wait,” she murmured, when a moment had passed (and Minho had stumbled off in a fit of hysterical laughter), “what did he say about ‘seeing Kyuhyun’…?”

…

So yes — somehow, the only thing Sulli had gotten out of his manic spiel was that he was apparently dating Kyuhyun (why the _fuck_ did everyone keep coming to that conclusion? Maybe he needed to re-evaluate his behaviour around the evil maknae).

And of course, since he was the unluckiest fucker in the damn country, word had gotten out (from experience, Minho suspected that Heechul may have had something to do with it).

Kyuhyun, of course, was pissed as fuck, and apparently decided to join the SM females in giving Minho the silent treatment. Any other time Minho would have been thrilled, except that this seemed to confirm the fact that the world was out to get him.

“I hate you,” Jaejoong told him, scowling.

Oh, he’d forgotten to add — as if enough people didn’t hate him, Jaejoong seemed a step away from jumping back on the anti-Minho bandwagon. The only thing that was stopping him was the fact that now he too was subjected to the wrath of the SM family. Apparently word had spread to Leeteuk that Jaejoong had been working with Minho - needless to say, DBSK and Super Junior was no longer ‘best buds’.

“Jaejoong, we’ve been through this,” Yunho sighed. “We need to remove all suspicion from Minho so that we can go back to being in everyone’s good books.”

“Fuck that,” Jaejoong growled. “Leeteuk barred be from going to Sunday lunches at the Super Junior dorms. Who needs their damn lunches, huh?! I, Kim Jaejoong, cook the best damn food in this country. I’ll make Leeteuk _pay_ for this!”

“Um, Jaejoong, please don’t,” Yunho muttered, laughing nervously.

“Now you know how I feel,” Minho smirked.

Yunho frantically shook his head at him.

“Hyung, are we leaving now?” Changmin questioned, coming downstairs. Minho groaned at the reminder of the SM concert — just what he needed. Quality time with the people who were probably plotting his downfall.

“Yeah, we’re leaving,” Yunho replied. Glancing at Minho, he added, “do you want to come with us?”

“Yeah, sure,” Minho replied. He shot a scowl at Jaejoong, who was making crude gestures with his hands.

“Hyung, don’t be mean to Minho,” Changmin chastened. He then proceeded to pat Minho on the shoulder. “It’s okay Minho — hyung’s here for you.”

Minho froze in horror, because, oh god, if _this_ — Changmin actually being supportive — wasn’t  a sign that his life had truly hit rock bottom…

Changmin burst into laughter. “Just kidding. I’d miss fucking around with you too much. I call shot gun!” He ran out the door.

Minho sighed in relief.


	11. A Stripper Named Donghae

“Are you sure we aren’t going to far with this?” Changmin whispered.

Kyuhyun turned his head slightly, careful not to interrupt the stylist’s fine work with his makeup. “Unlike you Changmin,” he murmured lazily, “I’m not above destroying my hyungs, and ruining my career and the careers of all I love, in order to maintain my reputation.”

The stylist stared at him. “…Computer games,” Kyuhyun coughed. The stylist nodded in understanding (after all, it _was_ Kyuhyun — it was completely plausible).

Kyuhyun watched as she walked away, and then turned quickly to Changmin. “Okay, so this is the plan,” he said swiftly. “I’ve hired this strippers costume — ” He paused as Baekhyun and Chanyeol passed by, both shooting him a strange look.

“Computer game,” he explained.

They nodded in understanding.

“He’s going to wear it,” Kyuhyun continued, his voice softer, “because, come on, have you _seen_ some of the things the stylists expect us to wear?! He’ll think it was all planned, and he’ll go on stage, and then _BAM!”_ Kyuhyun smirked. “Instant stripper.”

“…What exactly does this outfit consist of?” Changmin asked slowly.

“Barely anything,” Kyuhyun replied, looking proud. “That’s the point after all.” Kyuhyun let out a loud laugh. “Oh Changmin, you’d be shocked at what comes up when you type in “stripper outfits, Korea,” into google. Now, cover for me — I need to go and pick it up.”

Changmin blinked. “What, now?”

“Yes!” Kyuhyun nodded enthusiastically. “What, you expect custom made underwear-shorts — ” Changmin paled, “ — to be made on the spot? I _needed_ the words “Ding Dong(hae) to be printed on the back of its luxurious leopard-printed self.”

“Oh Kyuhyun,” Changmin whispered, “what the hell have you done?”

“Cover for me!” Kyuhyun ordered, standing up. “Make sure that Donghae doesn’t get dressed — our reputations depend on it!"

"They haven't finished with your makeup!" Changmin called after him.

…

What the hell was Kyuhyun _doing?_

Changmin was sure he had gnawed through his lip by now (okay, maybe not, because then he would be in absolute agony — but hey, it was just a figure of speech, right?), because it was almost time for Super Junior to go on stage, and Kyuhyun seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth.

And now Leeteuk and Donghae were walking towards him, probably about to ask him a string of questions that he couldn’t answer. He was going to _kill_ Kyuhyun. He was seriously going to kill him (to make things worse Minho had been pestering him about their friends location every ten minutes or so — Changmin felt a _bit_ guilty for threatening to destroy the younger, but he was in a seriously bad mood).

“Hey Changmin,” Donghae (Changmin struggled to hold back a glare) greeted, smiling. “Have you seen Kyu anywhere?”

“Um, no,” Changmin replied, urging himself to play in cool. He was the awesome evil maknae- _surely_ he could manage it.

“If you see him, could you tell him that he needs to head to the changing rooms?” Leeteuk questioned. “We have to go on stage soon.”

Changmin froze.

“Wait, no!” he cried, his eyes widening. “Not yet!”

“…Huh?” Leeteuk looked bewildered.

“Don’t get changed yet! Don’t do it!”

Donghae and Leeteuk gaped at him, and Changmin decided to use their confusion to his advantage.

“We need to talk,” he said hurriedly.

“Do we?” Leeteuk appeared even more confused.

“Yes! It’s…about your newfound hatred of us.” Changmin was scrambling for words. “I think it’s unwarranted and unfair, and…and…”

Leeteuk sighed loudly. “Changmin, I am _slightly_ angry at Jaejoong and Yunho right now,” he said, his voice slow (his mind momentarily flashed back to when he had informed Jaejoong of this newfound hatred — which had involved the ex-DBSK member being physically dragged out of the Super Junior dorms by half of the group — and quickly forced the memory back). “That doesn’t mean I have anything against you.”

“I thought you said you would castrate him?” Donghae interjected.

Changmin paled.

“Only if he dares touch my maknae.” He shot Changmin a warning glance, and then turned away. “Anyway, we really need to get going.”

Changmin froze. “Wait,” he cried, “no, just let me - ”

Leeteuk and Donghae, however, were already walking away, oblivious to Changmin’s desperation. Or maybe they knew, and this was just another way to torment him — heavens knew, the world seemed out to get him lately (he’d complained about this to Minho earlier, and the younger had only stared at him incredulously).

“I — guys I feel sick!” Changmin yelled, trying to get their attention. “I’m about to throw up! I — I see my life flashing before my eyes!”

Donghae turned. “Er, Changmin, what the hell are you — ?” His eyes widened in horror. “Oh my god, are you alright?”

Changmin, however, was unable to answer. He had enough time to think, _‘if you’re going to fake a fainting spell, check if there are sharp, pointy table edges nearby’,_ before everything went dark.

On the bright side, maybe this would delay them, right?

…

Meanwhile, Kyuhyun was wondering when the hell his stripper’s costume would be ready (oh wow — that was something he would never say out loud).

He’d arrived at the store almost an hour ago, and when he’d discovered the type of store that sold stripper outfits…well, he hadn’t really been surprised, but it’d be hell for his career if he was seen here (maybe he could claim Minho had coerced him into it — who knows, it would probably work).

The store-owner (a man who looked _way_ too old to be working in a sex store) had greeted him when he’d walked inside, and had offered him some “free products — on the house” (along with a disconcerting smile).

And now, well, he was still stuck in the blasted store, while the owner placed the ‘finishing touches’ on the pants ( _damn_ that “Ding Dong(hae)” slogan).

“Are you _sure_ you don’t want anything on the house?” the man yelled out.

“No thank you,” Kyuhyun repled, glancing nervously at the windows. “Er, are you nearly done?”

“No,” the man replied, that creepy smile appearing again.

Kyuhyun gulped.

…

Changmin’s head was fucking _pounding._

Oh god, what the hell had happened? There was something shaking his shoulder, and he wanted to tell them to piss of or he would _end them,_ except, if he opened his mouth, he was sure he would projectile-vomit.

“Changmin?”

Changmin forced his eyes to open. “Hyung?” he mumbled, as he caught sight of Yunho’s worried face. Then the situation caught up with him, and his eyes flew open. “Hyung!” he yelled. Oh, who cared if he projectile vomited - Yunho would be the one to suffer the most anyway. “Don’t let them get away!”

How much time had passed? Had Donghae already gotten changed? Had yet _another_ plan fallen to utter shit?!

“You have a pretty bad bruise on your forehead,” Yunho murmured, his forehead creased in concern. “Did you trip or something? Are you hungry? Thirsty? You should have told me if you weren’t feeling well — ”

“Don’t let him get away!” Changmin yelled, again. “Hyung, I’m about to tell you something really important and — wait, I can’t tell you that, Kyuhyun said I’m not supposed to — ” Oh god, were you meant to feel this disorientated after knocking yourself out? “Wait, I’m not supposed to mention Kyuhyun — hyung?” Changmin lay back down, frowning. “My head hurts.”

“Changmin, just relax, okay?” Yunho said softly. “We called an ambulance.”

“What — what ambulance?” Changmin choked. “Why do I need an ambulance? I need to find Donghae! Where’s Donghae?”

Yunho stared at him, confused. “He’s performing,” he said, slowly. “Why — Changmin? Changmin?!” His eyes widened in concern. “Do you feel sick? Faint? Do you want — ”

 _“What’s happening to us?!”_ Changmin howled.

…

“So this is my business — ”

“Uh-uh,” Kyuhyun replied, staring blankly.

“I own my own business,” the man said, smiling proudly. He winked at Kyuhyun. “Pretty amazing, huh?”

“…Yup.” Kyuhyun stared down at his phone, his fingers hurriedly slamming against the keys. _‘Delay the concert somehow. I don’t care how — DELAY it!’_ He sent the message to Changmin.

“Can we hurry up?” Kyuhyun inquired, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “I’m in a bit of a rush.”

“I’m just putting the finishing touches to your order,” the man replied. Kyuhyun’s eye twitched. The man glanced up. “So,” he said, smiling, “does this hint at your…profession?”

Kyuhyun stared at the leopard print ‘shorts’, at the man’s face, and then back at the shorts. “…No,” he replied, slowly.

“Oh don’t be shy!” the man laughed. “Tell me, where do you work?”

Oh god, why the hell hadn’t he sent Changmin to pick up the damn outfit? He could have lied to him, told him it was a gaming store —

And then the door burst open and a masked man ran in, wielding a baseball bat.

...No really — that seriously happened.

All Kyuhyun could think was, what the _hell_ is it with baseball bats lately?!

 _“WHERE IS IT?!”_ the masked man roared, raising the bat high.

The store-owner glared. “I told you, you’ll _never_ have it!” he spat.

_“And I told you punk — I’m not taking no for an answer! It’s rightfully mine — I DEMAND IT BACK, THIEF!”_

Kyuhyun whipped out his phone, frantically texting Changmin — _‘you might have to delay it for a bit longer’._

 _“ — THEN WE’LL ALL DIE TONIGHT!”_ the masked man roared.

“Wait, wait!” Kyuhyun yelled, his phone tumbling to the ground. “Who the hell said anything about dying?!”


	12. Seoul Baseball Bat Massacre II

Kyuhyun felt his jaw drop open, and the first thing that passed through his mind was, _‘Oh fuck, I can’t die with my reputation in shambles!’_

“Okay seriously,” he choked, eyes wide, “lower the baseball bat, and calm the hell down…”

 _“YOU!”_ The man — the one wielding the very scary-looking baseball bat — whirling around, jabbing a finger in Kyuhyun’s direction. “Shut your pretty little mouth before I shut it for you — _physically!”_

“…Huh?”

“Physically!” the man repeated, spittle spraying across the room. “It means I will _make_ you shut your mouth myself, instead of just asking you politely to do it yourself — which I am doing now, but I won’t be soon!”

 _“Politely?!”_ Kyuhyun spluttered, momentarily forgetting the dangerous object in the man’s hands. “This is fucking _polite?!_ You have a baseball bat!”

“Yes, but this is for him,” the man said, speaking slowly, as if conversing with someone who spoke another language. “You just sit in the corner and look at the wall, while I destroy the fucker over there.”

Kyuhyun gaped.

“I told you, you’ll never have it!” the Shop Keeper roared. “It’s mine!”

“It was mine first!” the man snarled in response.

“Finders keepers!”

“You _stole_ it from my room!” In a fluid movement, the baseball bat slammed against the counter; a chunk sailed through the air, and fell at Kyuhyun’s feet. “Don’t think I don’t know! I had cameras set up in there!”

“It fell off the wall!” the Shop Keeper retorted.

“No it didn’t! I used my hot glue gun to get it on there, so it couldn’t have just ‘fell off’. A chunk of the wall was missing!” The man took a threatening step forward. “You took them - my wall, and, more importantly, _the most precious thing EVER!”_

“Um, okay,” Kyuhyun said, climbing to his feet, and taking slow, tentative steps towards the doorway. “I’m going to leave — ”

_“SIT YOUR ARSE BACK **DOWN** PRETTY BOY!”_

Kyuhyun ran back to his seat, his eyes wide.

“Um, okay,” he choked, once in the safety of the nearest chair (which could always be transformed into a brain-bashing weapon if need be, he supposed - computer games taught you many things, despite what his hyungs said). “Look — you’re upset because he…he stole something from you — ”

“It fell off the wall!” the Shop Keeper snapped defensively.

The man roared, and raised the bat higher.

“So fucking what, alright, you still took it!” Kyuhyun’s voice half way between a squeak and a wail. “Look, the guy has a baseball bat, so _do not provoke him_ , and, um, what the hell is this precious item anyway, huh?!”

Not the most intelligible thing he had ever said, but he could surely be excused due to the circumstances.

The man breathed heavily, and his hand — the one that was not tightly grasping the baseball bat — clenched tightly at his side.

“It — it — he _TOOK_ it!”

“Yes, I get that, but what _is_ it?!” Kyuhyun asked hurriedly.

The man’s eye twitched, and his arms began to tremble; Kyuhyun had begun to wonder if maybe he should have just remained quiet while the man proceeded paint the store with the Shop Keeper’s brains, when he finally received an answer.

And god _dammit,_ did it make him want to pick up that baseball bat and bash his own brains out.

“My…my… _MY SIGNED SUPER JUNIOR POSTER!”_

“Oh, are you fucking _KIDDING ME?!”_

…

Changmin, meanwhile, was dealing with two problems of his own, in the forms of Yunho and Minho.

And the paramedic, but Changmin didn’t think he would be too hard to get rid of — it was the other two that never stopped clinging (one to annoy the hell out of him, and the other…well, to do the exact same thing, although Changmin doubted any torture Yunho brought was intentional).

“Go away, I’m _fine!”_ Changmin snapped, trying to brush off his hyung’s fluttering hands. “I need to call Kyuhyun and — wait, no, did I say Kyuhyun, I meant — ”

Yunho turned to the paramedic, concerned. “He’s been doing that a lot,” he said, his voice low.

“Oh Changmin,” Minho sighed in mock sympathy (Changmin _knew_ he was faking it — he could see that eager little gleam in Minho’s eyes, that Changmin _really_ wanted to poke his finger in), “you poor, poor thing. He looks really pale, doesn’t he?” This last part was spoken to Yunho and the paramedic.

“Shut up Minho!” Changmin snapped, shaking of his friends hand. “You’re just trying to make me as miserable as you are!”

“Why would I do that?” Minho asked, cocking his head to the side innocently. “I’m such a brilliant friend.”

“You should be fine,” the paramedic said, giving Changmin a placating smile. “Although I really think you should come to the hospital for a better look — ”

“I’ll be fine,” Changmin cut him off.

“I think he should go.”

“Well, Minho, I think you should _shut the fuck up!”_

The paramedic stared.

Yunho frowned, looking uncertain. “I think Minho’s right…you look — ”

“Oh my god, hyung, shut up!” Changmin yelled, before slumping backwards, miserably. “I don’t know what the fuck is happening,” he moaned, staring at the ceiling. “I was so damn evil before, with so may schemes tucked away in my brilliant mind…and now…now…I’m a failure at being evil! I’m a failure of an evil maknae!”

He let out a choked little sob.

Minho sighed, laying down next to him; Changmin let out a noise of annoyance and shuffled away.

“I know how you feel,” Minho murmured. “I was once the biggest catch in this company — ”

“Oh shut up, you weren’t,” Changmin snapped.

“He should be fine,” the paramedic told Yunho. With a glance at Changmin, he added, “I thought Kyuhyun was the evil maknae.”

Changmin jerked upright, his eyes blazing. “We. Are. Both. Evil. Maknaes. And I was the evil maknae first, so you might want to educate yourself on the history of evil maknaes!”

“…Yes, yes, I’ll do that,” the paramedic choked, before hurrying off in the opposite direction.

Yunho gaped at his bandmate. “Changmin, what the hell is going on with you lately?” he demanded.

“What’s going on with me?!” Changmin snarled. “I’ll tell you whats going on!” He opened his mouth, but then, without continuing, simply slumped backwards and stared listlessly at the ceiling. “I’m becoming as pathetic as Minho,” he moaned.

“Or really?” Minho replied, smirking, for once seeming unbothered at the mention of his current predicament. “Well it’s a good thing I told Jaejoong-hyung about your little accident.”

Changmin paled.

…

“You…this is all about a signed Super Junior poster?” Kyuhyun choked, his eyes wide.

“They’re Kings!” the man snarled, his eyes burning with a crazed intensity. _“Kings_ I tell you!”

The Shop Keeper nodded firmly.

“…Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!”

“You dare insult the glory that is Super Junior?!” the man roared, slamming his bat hard against the counter; another chunk came hurtling off, smacking violently against the wall.

The Shop Keeper, who had been glaring at Kyuhyun, switched to staring in panic at the ruins in front of him. “Um could you not?” he choked. “I have to pay rent for this place…”

“Oh for fucks sake you blind _fuck!”_ Kyuhyun yelled, jumping to his feet. Sure, he could die any moment, but _this was too bloody ridiculous to be real._ “Who the hell do you _think_ I am?!”

The Shop Keeper stared at him solemnly. “A man who has yet to see the light.”

And, with that, Kyuhyun lost it.

_“I’M CHO FUCKING KYUHYUN YOU IDIOTS - SUPER JUNIOR’S KYUHYUN, SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY NEED FURTHER FUCKING ELABORATION!”_

There was a moment of silence; both of the men (“idiots” Kyuhyun silently thought) gaped at him.

“Now,” Kyuhyun said, his body trembling with adrenaline, _“please_ just give me my stripper’s costume so I can get the fuck out of here, and force it on Donghae, and humiliate him, and get my reputation back…and then bathe in the glory of said reputation…and…and…oh for Christ’s sake, put that pen away, I am _not_ signing anything!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's all I had written up for this fic - although I do have a bunch of quite detailed notes for what I'd planned for the rest of the fic - I'll probably end up posting them anyway so you guys can get an idea of what the rest of the story would have been like, but just mention it in the comments if you'd like to read those :) 
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoyed what I had written for this!


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